Perspectives

Want to learn more about the introvert personality?

2011-12-03T00:10:00.000-08:00

As a followup to my previous post on Introverts and holiday celebrations, here are some good resources:

The Introvert Advantage...How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney.
A great book packed with useful information if you want to understand the introvert personality better.

The Introvert's Guide to Success in Business and Leadership by Lisa Petrilli
A newly released e-book covering topics such as introvert marketing and networking, giving presentations and getting promoted.

An excellent article from Parents Magazine to encourage parents of introvert children. Lots of reassurance for worried parents and tips on how to affirm your child rather than striving to change them.

http://www.parents.com/kids/development/shy/raising-an-introvert/

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
This bestseller is for people who really want to develop their people skills. Although written in 1936 it has some timeless concepts. Covers topics like "How to become a good conversationalist" and "How to handle complainers."

Photo: istockphoto.com/Scott Vickers

"Innies and outies"...how to navigate the season with introverts & extroverts

2011-11-29T16:38:00.000-08:00

Decking the halls at your house yet? Planning your December festivities?

It's good to consider that you most likely have two types of people in your life....extroverts and introverts. If that is so, they probably have different ways they prefer celebrating special occasions.

Extroverts love the glitz, socialization and excitement of activity. Did you know introverts enjoy all that too, but on a smaller scale? While an extrovert may love a full calendar of places to go and things to do, an introvert likes periods of "down time" in between so they can reflect and refresh their energy level for the next event.

Before you give in to the things you always do this time of year, why not ask each member of the family what they would like to do to celebrate? It's always good to tell them you are open to new suggestions and that just because "we always do that" doesn't mean we have to do it every year. You might be surprised by the responses.

Ask each member of the family what 3 things they would like to do as part of celebrating Christmas this year. This allows everyone to have input.

What things do family members enjoy doing together with just your family? What activities do they enjoy as part of a larger group or community?

"Giving" outlives "getting" when it comes to contentment. Is giving to someone in need a part of your family celebration?

What activities energize them? What drains them?

Create an environment where every member of the family is heard. Then put together activities that honor each family member's style of celebrating with some time in between for a "breather." It's a good life exercise for all of us to consider each other.

I'm going to be on the radio this weekend!

Listen in on Saturday, December 3rd, 10AM PST to KGNW.com. Or if you are in Seattle, KGNW 820 AM. I'm the featured guest on "Coffee with the Coaches." Hosts Suzanne, Laurie and I will be talking about meaningful celebration and how to make sure to include introverts in the action. I'll be doing a give-away so you'll need to listen in and find out how to enter. You can even call into the show to ask a question.

Hope you'll be listening in on Saturday morning!

Photo: istockphoto.com/Nathan Jones

"Thank you" is more than a polite expression.

2011-11-13T22:53:00.000-08:00

The blessings we recount usually revolve around the people in our lives and the basic necessities such as water, food and shelter. I don't know about you, but I'm always surprised that in a world of so much "stuff" our true gratefulness seems to be focused on the daily blessings we often take for granted. We see this concept in news interviews with families who survive natural disasters. They talk about losing everything material, but being thankful their loved ones are still with them.

I've been wondering if gratefulness changes us. When people survive a catastrophic event, I think it marks them in some way. Some people are resilient and recover. Others may be resentful. I've never experienced a natural disaster or catastrophic event, but I still long for survivor-like gratefulness to change me from the inside out.

There was a woman in the Bible named Hannah who had gone through years of infertility. In her culture infertility meant she was the object of ridicule and rejection. After many years of asking God for a child, she finally gave birth to a boy she named Samuel, meaning, "God has heard."

Hannah's gratefulness was so overwhelming she decided to give him back to God for a life of service. So after Samuel's young boyhood years, probably at about 12 years of age, she took him to the temple to be cared for and mentored by the priest, Eli, for a life of service to God. Since the temple was a part of daily Jewish life, no doubt Hannah continued to spend significant time with her son. And she gave birth to five more children so she had a busy life as a mother. But Hannah was one grateful woman! She didn't just say 'thank you." She expressed it through her actions. Her thanksgiving was lived out very intentionally.

While I'm not advocating parting with your first-born child, I do know that I want my thankfulness...my appreciation, to be reflected in how I demonstratively love God, my family, friends, and the strangers in need around me. As we pause to be grateful this month, may the reflections on our blessings be life-changing for all of us.

Going over and above....

2011-08-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

With our immediate family spread from one end of the State to the other, we're looking for a central place to meet this year for Christmas. We went online to the VRBO (vacation rental by owner) website to see what is available in a coastal area not far from San Jose.

Being former vacation rental homeowners ourselves, we've come to realize through our own experience renting vacation homes and listening to the appreciative comments of others, how much it means to people who book a house for a getaway to enter a home stocked with the necessities. People want to open cabinet doors and find things like salt & pepper, garlic powder, sugar, flour, cooking oil and extra toilet paper. Who wants to drive to town to buy a 5 lb. sack of flour when you only need one cup!

So I was a bit taken back when one reviewer of a property suggested future renters bring extra toilet paper with them...it was a glowing review, by the way. The reviewer said "remember this is a rental and not a full-time residence so they don't stock extras." Bring extra toilet paper when you are paying $300 a night?

What do you think? Yeah, no big deal for us to pack an extra roll of toilet paper. But it's the little things that make a difference and this is one of those situations where going over and above the norm makes a positive impression.

In the past couple years we've been the blessed recipients of people demonstrating going over and above. I'm thinking of real estate agents who didn't just put a sign in our yard, but worked their tail off to help us prep our house for listing in a slow market or the clerk in a lighting store who gave us a $40 item for free because we'd special ordered some other things from the business. And I can't fail to mention those who've gone out of their way to make us feel welcome and loved as new residents in our town.

Whether it's a business or a personal relationship, it's so easy for all of us to slip into the mediocre mode of comparisons and feel that something or someone doesn't warrant more. Or that worse yet, our generosity may not be somehow equally matched in the future. What if we tweaked it the other way and actually gave more than is deserved?

To do much better than is necessary or expected....a great way to live!

Image: istockphoto.com

A "not what I signed up for" day

2011-06-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, today is one of those days for me. We all have them. Days like this put a major kink in the chain of expectations we've set for our lives.

13 1/2 months ago I became a grandmother....not in the usual way, however. Instead of having a newborn placed in my arms, two little munchkins, 18 months and almost 4, came into my life by way of foster care. Our son and his wife were drawn to foster/adopt and even though they have no children of their own yet, they chose this route first. I admit Rich and I were a bit skeptical. "You said you'd take two???"

Those kids grew on us pretty fast. By the end of our first weekend with them, we'd fallen in love. They were adoptable (what our kids specified when they applied to be foster parents) and just waiting for two sets of adoring grandparents and a flock of excited aunts, uncles and cousins.

Our plans went awry about six months ago. The children are being returned to their birth parent this next week. Today is our day to say goodbye.

This definitely was not on my calendar six months ago. We're all going through the wide range of emotions associated with losing those we thought would be ours "for keeps." We invested fully in them without reservation which is why these last few months have been painful at times. Some days we wondered if we should hold back a little, but that was never really an option. We were fully committed.

We've seen changes in their personalities, their countenance and how they relate to others. A childlike lightheartedness has replaced the blank stares that questioned our character and motives.

As I continued to unpack from our recent move, I read a journal entry from July 2004 where I wrote in detail 5 main goals for my life. One of them included my thoughts about grandparenting. I said, "I do not want to merely remember their birthdays and see them on special occasions. I want to really know them and love them well." I have done that.

While I will never understand the brevity of this journey, I am thrilled to have been a part of it, tears and all. I've received more than I thought was ever possible. I am more prayerful, quite scared, slightly hopeful, often mystified and frequently "ticked" at authorities with whom I may not agree.

No, I did not sign up for this day...nor did my son and his wife, nor these children. Yet, we are all better off having had these 13 1/2 months together. Why can't they continue? I don't know the answer to that one. The writer of Ecclesiastes says it well...

"Take a good look at God's work.

Who could simplify and reduce Creation's curves and angles to a plain straight line?

On a good day, enjoy yourself. On a bad day, examine your conscience.

God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won't take anything for granted."

(Ecclesiastes 7: 13-14 from The Message)

Photo: Jim Jurica www.istockphoto.com

Finding your way in a new town

2011-04-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

Moving to a new town or city is a major life change. Relocating has it's challenges, rewards, joys and some sadness too. I've come to realize that every place I've lived is unique and I can't go into a new environment and expect it to be just like the previous one. This is my reality so I've put together my thoughts on how to navigate your way as you move to a new setting:

Try to look at a move as an adventure even though you may be experiencing some grieving. While "leaving" means some sadness, going to a different place will mean new people and fresh experiences, both work related and personal, that will enhance your life. Look forward to the "good" even though you can't see it yet.

Do some exploring. Take time to see what your new area has to offer. Most regions have publications that highlight entertainment, local businesses and organizations. Research your new environment and see what it has to offer.

Avoid making assumptions. Instead ask questions. You'll put your foot in your mouth fewer times by observing how people do things and asking questions if you are unsure of something. Most people are more than happy to answer inquiries. You are showing respect for traditions in your new surrounding by trying to understand their way of doing things.

Making friends takes time. This is a tough one. Often you have to be the one who is pro-active in the process. Showing an interest in others and their lives will hasten the friendship process. Take walks in your neighborhood, speak to people, introduce yourself and be positive in your comments.

Talk about your feelings with family members. Children often need reassurance and a great deal of encouragement after a move. My first move occurred in the middle of 8th grade and involved a 2,200 mile change from one home to another. It's alot to process. Keeping lines of communication open in your family will go a long way in facilitating a healthy adjustment for everyone. Some will adjust quicker than others. Sensitivity with one another helps greatly.

Keep in touch with old friends who will encourage you even though you don't live near them anymore. We all have friends who boost our confidence levels and attitudes. And we know others who may drag us down. This is a time to stay in contact with those who have positive outlooks on life and have been through challenging changes and made healthy adjustments. Their outlook will motivate you.

Be patient with yourself in the process of adapting. Depending on your personality and the magnitude of the change involved, it will likely take 1-2 years to be comfortable and feel settled in your new surrounding. You may experience some disappointing realizations...joining an organization you think you'll like only to realize you don't share much in common with other participants, or trying different churches and struggling to figure out where you belong. Don't give up. Keep trying new things until you find something that is a good fit for you.

Most of us have one place we've lived that stands out with a special fondness. Enjoy those memories and realize that you can still be content and productive in other places.

Since the trauma of my first move in 8th grade, I've come to welcome the experience of relocating. It increases my awareness of others and draws me closer to God as I rely on Him for wisdom and guidance. I'm looking forward to making some new friends and seeking ways to participate in and serve my community.

Life in the Apple Tree

2011-01-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

I climb an apple tree and slowly work my way up to the fruit-laden branches. My mouth is watering as I imagine the crisp sweetness of the first bite of the shiny red fruit. I have a dilemma. I could easily pick a few apples that are not ripe yet. They are convenient to reach and I wouldn't have to climb any higher or farther. Going farther is risky. What if I fall? It looks like a precarious endeavor to get out to the ripest fruit at the end of the branch. Should I climb higher or take what's easy to get hold of? I decide I want nothing but the BEST. So I take a deep breath and inch my way out toward the end of the branch. As I slowly pass the other apples not yet fully ripe, I weigh my decision. Am I crazy? Alas, I am finally within inches of my goal....a beautiful red apple just waiting, waiting....

Taking risks has never been a natural thing for me. As a child I'd been taught to play it safe. But my years have been filled with all kinds of risky decisions. Not careless risk, but heavy and calculated decisions involving how I will best use my resources, time and how much of myself I will give to others. I've found the longer I live the more risk opportunity lies before me. Sometimes I hate it. But I have to admit that each precarious step I take brings more confidence about going higher and farther.

I'm determined to go for the BEST in 2011. How about you?

"No noble thing can be done without risks." Michel de Montaigne

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." The Apostle Paul, written during his Roman imprisonment.

A Tale of Two Mayors

2010-12-29T14:02:00.000-08:00

Burrrr! The East Coast has been blasted with a winter storm that has paralyzed many communities, large and small. Flight activity at airports is on hold. And other methods of public transportation have ceased to function. Many residents find themselves isolated in their homes, out somewhere stranded in their cars or needing medical attention or supplies and not able to access them.

Now two mayors of large cities, New York City's, Michael Bloomberg and Newark's, Cory Booker, are addressing the situation and keeping their followers posted via their "tweets." The Washington Post has done a comparison of their activities and responses over the course of a couple days. Twitter gives us a glimpse of two mayors in the throws of chaos. I like Booker's attitude at the end. He had an opportunity to toot his own horn, but passed it up and defended his peer.

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/12/post-286.html

We all communicate, but do we really connect?

2010-10-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book on the power of language. Although it's not necessarily reflective of my faith-based worldview, (I find pursuing happiness to be futile. I'd rather pursue contentment with my circumstances.) the book has some intriguing insights.

Language is creative in many ways such as using it to create a commitment.

A restaurant owner was seeking ways to lower his rate of "no shows" on his reservation list. He had about a 30% dropout rate (with no prior notice) for his reservations. His staff would say "Please call us if you should need to cancel your reservation." He instructed his staff to change the wording. They began to say "Would you call us if you need to cancel your reservation?" His "no show" rate immediately went down to 10%.* Most people probably responded with "okay" or "yes," With those words they'd made a commitment to call if they needed to cancel. Something was asked of them and if they responded with an affirmative answer, they realized they were making a public commitment...a promise to do something.

What a difference this would make if implemented in our families, work relationships and businesses.

*Cialdini, Robert B., Influence: Science and Practice, Allyn & Bacon, 2001, page 74.

The Changing Face of Friendships

2010-08-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

Do you remember your first friends as a child? I have vivid memories of some of the things we did...like playing pranks to scare our little siblings! What kind of a child would do that!

Then there are the school chums. That's where we learn about true friends and traitors.

I've been thinking about adult friendships lately though. Why is it that some friends are with you throughout your whole life and others seem to drop off along the way? Nothing really negative happened to create a rift. But at some point you realize you don't have contact with them anymore. I used to feel that if I thought of them I should make an effort to contact them and somehow try to rekindle what we once shared. That would consume so much of my time if I actually did that.

The past several years as I've thought about people I used to spend time with and don't see anymore, I've come to realize that some friendships are just for a season. They don't end badly. They are just there for a certain period of time and then we move on. I've decided I'm okay with that. The time that our lives were linked through a job, neighborhood, school or church was a good thing. But the chapter ends and new ones begin. I can feel good about what once was and enjoy the memories. Now we have Facebook which allows us to reconnect, but within the boundary of technology, which takes some of the guilt off those of us who feel we need to do our part to try to keep a friendship alive.

Long term, healthy friendships require a mutual commitment to invest in one another. We have just so many hours in a day and once we've lived through more than a few decades we've rubbed elbows with a significant number of people. Only a small number of them will become lifelong friends. Those become precious to us!

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget." G. Randolf

Don't lose the wonder.

2010-07-02T22:31:00.000-07:00

Upon opening up my twitter feed this morning, I saw a tweet posted by a follower that said a fellow liberal neighbor expressed surprise seeing him outside today putting his flag out to fly in honor of July 4th. The follower said in his mind, it was "kinda sad." Kinda???

He said that he flies the flag because it represents America striving to reach its ideal. I'm not exactly sure what his ideal for America is. But I know that that piece of cloth...those stars and stripes, signify a way of life for me that was brought about by untold sacrifice and service. The fact that I can live wherever I want in this country, attend church each week without fear, am free to speak my mind on various issues, and an array of other daily freedoms is enough that I could celebrate every morning upon opening my eyes, and not just on July 4th.

Betsy Ross, creator of the first American flag, was an upholsterer and seamstress. Freeing our nation from the British was no easy task and she knew it having lost two husbands to the bloodshed of the Revolutionary War. She attended church with George and Martha Washington and so it was not surprising he asked her, knowing her skill with fabric, to create the flag. Along with Washington and two others, design ideas were exchanged which resulted in Betsy sewing our first American flag.

In 1814, another woman, Mary Pickersgill, was commissioned to make a giant flag to fly above Ft. McHenry, a signal to the British that America was not about to lie down and play dead. It measured 30 X 42 feet and was cut & pieced by Mary and her 13 year old daughter. That flag survived and although very tattered from the 24 hour fiery bombardment in Baltimore's harbor, it's been preserved and is on display at the Museum of American History in Washington DC. I remember the first time I saw it in 1985. I stood there in silence, almost unable to take in the sight of this two story sized flag. Now threadbare and void of the brilliant red and blue colors on our flags today, it was utterly majestic as it hung in this giant hall serenaded by the Star Spangled Banner. For me it was something almost beyond comprehension.

On the evening of the 4th, I'll be in a park with hundreds of people, overshadowed by a lighted American flag while the strains of John Philip Sousa music sails through the night air. Fireworks will light up the sky reminding me of the thousands of individuals in my country who made and continue to make this life of freedom possible for me.

Flying my flag on July 4th helps me remember the wonder of liberty and I don't ever want to lose it.

The Value of Roots

2010-06-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen a tree that's been windblown for years? The branches can be flattened on one side and the primary growth of the tree extends out the other side of the tree leaving it with a lopsided look. We get a fair amount of wind here on the Central Coast of California. Over a few months, its relentless buffeting has killed a few of our newly planted shrubs in the front yard. It has the power to carve the shape and determine the direction of growth of all kinds of vegetation. At times, the wind takes down Monterey Pines whose roots are very shallow and give way when the soil around it becomes rain-soaked.

Strong roots are essential to the life of a tree. Even though it gets pounded repeatedly, it can emerge with new growth and resilience thanks to its root system. So it is with us as people navigating the changes in life. Those who have strong roots are better able to hang on in tough times when unexpected challenges, adversity or setbacks come our way.

In a recent conversation with a young woman, I learned about her childhood and adolescence with parents who abused drugs and whose lifestyle provided no roots or guidance for the young girl. Now in her 30's she is finally learning to put down roots. She is aware of life's pitfalls after observing her family's sad choices and the consequences they've faced. Those lessons now give her wisdom about her own choices and a root begins to grow when she makes healthy decisions. Her life may be windblown at times like a bad hair day that lasts for months! But as long as she has a healthy root system, she has a better chance of survival. The winds don't diminish her in any way, but they do test her and her root system.

My guess is that those lopsided trees in my part of the world must have some strong root systems which have grown in the direction needed to keep the tree stable.

Life Coaches come alongside people in windy times and help them as they strengthen their root system.

Compassionate Comrades & Hot Cocoa

2010-06-03T06:43:00.000-07:00

The setting: The Dining Hall at Camp Bighorn in Western Montana. Rich and I were there for a week last month doing coaching and consulting with the staff. About twenty of us were sitting in a circle one morning having a devotional on the topic of compassion.

In the midst of the discussion I leaned over to pick up the mug of hot chocolate sitting to the right of my feet and as I raised up with the mug in hand (held by the top of the mug, not the handle...big mistake!) I accidentally hit the silver rim of my chair. The impact made me drop the mug to the floor. In the hundredths of a second that followed, I watched sugary hot cocoa spill out into the middle of the circle all over the hardwood floor. UGGGG. That 8 or so ounces of liquid seemed to expand endlessly before the twenty sets of eyes that were on me and the mess.

What followed was a demonstration of compassion. My husband, Rich, immediately got up to help me clean up followed by two others, Josh and Trina, who went to the nearby kitchen to get rags, and promptly began to wipe up the mess by hand. Josh did most of the work and as I humbly worked alongside him watching his wide sweeps with a rag through the liquid chocolate puddle, I was so grateful for their compassion on me. They didn't just feel compassion, but demonstrated it.

I had been thinking, just prior to that incident, that it can be hard for us to be compassionate towards someone unless we've been in a place of needing it ourselves.

Showing compassion toward another may not come easily for you if you haven't ever been in a place of want. In Matthew 9 Jesus looked at the crowd of people and felt compassion for their current state in life. This was the focus of our devotional and I got to be the recipient of a living example of compassion that morning. Sometimes good lessons are learned in the unsuspecting moments of life.

Someone's watching....

2010-05-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

From the time we come into the world we learn by watching others. Yes, we put in hours of formal education in a classroom, but think about some of the things you learned by observation.

You learned something about relationships from your family of origin. You learned how to walk, run, and pass the baton in a relay by observing someone do it. Washing a car, baking a cake, mowing a lawn, shooting hoops or drawing a stick figure were things all learned primarily by observation.

Having just celebrated Mother's Day, it's been interesting to think about what I learned from my mom who died when I was 17. When I was about 13, her physical mobility began to decrease from the crippling impact of Rheumatoid Arthritis. So many of the homemaking skills I routinely use were learned before my adolescence. I realize how many things she taught simply through demonstrating them in everyday situations. As I got older she encouraged me to have hands on involvement. Even after she had to give up some activities for health reasons, I continued to learn about life from her.

This gives me the desire to look for opportunities to learn more through observation. And I want to be more aware of what I teach through my actions.

Photo: istockphoto.com (Monique Rodriguez)

Cruel is never cool even if you're a grownup

2010-05-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about bullying lately, especially child and adolescent bullying. It seems to be in the news frequently and at the forefront of school problems.

Bullying has been around for generations. We've probably all been the victim of some name-calling, maybe some pushing and shoving and even painful alienation by a family member or a group of peers. It leaves life-long scars. Severe bullying can have major consequences, physically, emotionally and financially on the victim and their family.

Bullying in the workplace is now a serious issue. There are company anti-bully laws. There are serial bullies. There are bully survivor support groups. Bullying has found its way to the court system with frequent lawsuits alleging harassment and bullying.

I keep wondering if children learn bullying by watching adults. I think they do. Think about it. As adults do we often in the presence of others, see individuals make degrading, rude or negative comments about another person? Sometimes the victim is present. Other times they are not. It is still bullying.

And the second part of that, and maybe the most impacting, is the response or should I say, lack of response by those who witness the comment or behavior. There are few who are willing to step out from the group and say something or do something contrary to the bullying. This is the role that kids seem to observe and adopt....silence, inaction. There is no demonstration to stand up for the person being victimized. This gives the bully full-reign and empowers them to continue the harassment.

Unfortunately, kids get to watch this at home, on the playground and as they grow older, in the workplace, on television and in the political arena. Late night talk show hosts, in the name of humor, shred family members or make light of serious personal matters of very public figures. Audiences laugh. It's very easy to get caught up in the cycle. Our leaders bully one another and others remain silent afraid that a defense of someone in the other party or opposing group may bring on criticism or cost them their comrades or followers.

People who bully send out a message about themselves. They fear the exposure of their insecurities and inadequacies or a drop in their popularity. In their desperation, they become predators upon a variety of people....those who are well-liked, respected, high achievers, hot tempered, kind, handicapped, ill and those who are quiet and passive.

How can we as individuals live daily in a way to lessen someone's power to bully, even if it's on a small scale? How can we respond to bullying in a way that will demonstrate that we don't buy the argument that putting someone down somehow increases our standing in society?

What should move us to action is human dignity, not just toward victims, but also the dignity of each of us. We ourselves lose dignity by remaining passive and silent.

The times...they are a-changing!

2010-03-11T14:35:00.000-08:00

"The future has a way of arriving unannounced. " George Will

"Baby Boomers" were the subject of Tom Brokaw's latest TV documentary which aired on March 4th. While the program focused more on the "notorious" of the Boomer generation (Woodstock, etc.) while skimming over what life was like for those of us in the background, it did bring up some precarious predicaments for boomers today and in the future. The projections for Boomers are quite thought-provoking.

The statistics show that a great percentage of Baby Boomers have spent most of what we earned. Saving from our paychecks and making deposits into 401K plans were a low priority so nest eggs tend to be less than adequate for the costs that lie ahead of us. We have an appetite for excess. The Boomer middle class tended to live like the upper class....upscale homes, luxury cars, and multiple credit cards. This lifestyle seems to have caught up with us. Today more than 4 million Baby Boomers are currently unemployed. The reality of a more than dismal economy is here. In the workplace we now compete for jobs with "techno kids" 35 years younger than we are.

Where does this leave Boomers? We're going to once again, change the world. We drive the economy, and because we are aging in great numbers, facing a costly medical care crisis and experiencing a downturn in income, our decisions will impact the world. We are being forced to be creative in how we live. Boomers are learning to exist on less. We are downsizing, embracing the minimalism of our parents, (not necessarily by choice, but by necessity,) and grappling with what's really important in life. For many boomers, the memories of being raised very simply in a small home and sharing one bathroom with parents and siblings, doesn't seem as bad as once thought before the foreclosure sign went up or the pink slip got handed out at work.

We're starting to see Boomer trends change and I for one am rather curious to see how our resourceful generation will handle the certain challenges that lie ahead of us.

What kinds of Boomer trends do you see emerging? I'd like to hear from you.

photo: http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photography-silhouettes-of-the-people-cars-rimagefree3728398-resi821680

The Impact of a Voice

2010-03-04T08:41:00.001-08:00

"I don't think most teachers realize how much impact they have." Former Olympic Figure Skater, Scott Hamilton

When we think of teachers, our thoughts probably go to a room with rows of desks and chairs facing a large chalkboard. Then the distinct memory of a former teacher comes to mind. But there are many teachers around us outside a typical physical classroom. If you've made learning a lifelong habit you know this.

We now have virtual classrooms where our teachers can be individuals we've never met in person. Each year I am impacted by teachers because I make it a point to take classes on a continual basis whether they be a one hour webinar or an online course. This past year I took a painting class and right now I'm completing a Mastermind Group Leadership teleclass. You may be currently learning from a fitness instructor, a foreign language teacher or a pastor or rabbi. Whatever the setting, we can all attest to the fact that teachers play a very vital role in shaping us. Teachers are not just dispensers of information. We also learn from who they are and how they share themselves with us.

Yesterday, a former teacher of mine passed away. Her name was Judy Santos. Four years ago Judy was one of two teachers in a 40 hour training teleclass for those of us wanting to be life coaches. Judy and Chris McCluskey of the Institute for Life Coach Training, met with twenty of us twice a week by phone and guided and inspired us as we learned the foundational principles of life coaching.

I never got to meet Judy, face to face. Her phone voice had a raspy quality to it. Perhaps it was a result of the cancer treatments she'd had in the past which so often impact our senses. But, nonetheless, the sound of her voice was something that distinguished her along with her words and teaching style. Although she didn't talk about it much in the coach training setting, Judy had been through some deep valleys in life. In the course of one year she'd gone through several major life transitions. So when she explained coaching skills to her students, she surely knew what we'd need to know to work with people in transition.

Because she was future focused, as life coaching is, Judy's life was an example of someone who'd weathered storms and emerged with resilience and a determination to continue experiencing life to the fullest. It was obvious she had a keen business sense which she readily shared with us in a way that didn't elevate herself, but generously provided us with valuable insight. Her teaching was more than words. It was a way of life. One's voice doesn't mean just the sound of their utterances, but their ability to speak certain characteristics into our lives...things like courage, compassion, empowerment, challenge, and the enlarging of our perspectives. Judy modeled all these things for her students.

She said little about her latest bout with cancer, but we knew it was a struggle. No doubt she coached and taught as long as she could because it was such a passion of hers. Even facing death, Judy was forward focused. Her Christian faith sustained her through her battle with cancer because she knew ahead of her was the joy of Heaven.

The thing about teachers is that their impact goes on for generations. Thanks for all you taught me, Judy. I am passing it on.

Photo: Joseph Helfenberger/Dreamstime.com

Where are they now and how did they get there?

2010-02-17T08:30:00.000-08:00

He won by 2/100ths of a second! Amazing.

Let's face it, we're pretty much hooked. We love being part of the Olympic rush....the triumph of someone who devotes years to developing their technique in a sport so they can stand on the podium, with the coveted medal around their neck while listening to the impassioned strains of their country's song. We admire their physical agility and envy the determination and discipline that has allowed them to compete in this historic event.

We also get to see past Olympian heroes because the networks bring them back on the air for commentary and interviews. Guess what, they age too. Interestingly enough, I don't see an abundance of plastic surgery enhancement on past Olympians. Maybe they are more focused on other things and don't seek to recapture the past.

Dick Buttons, two time figure skating gold medalist is 80 years old now and is right in there with everyone chatting away about current events on the ice rink.

Peggy Fleming is a grandmother, gardener and wine-maker. Because she is a breast cancer survivor, she's involved in raising awareness of the importance of early detection.

Mark Spitz is on the speaking circuit recalling the 1972 Munich games which were marred by the killing of Israeli athletes. Mark, being Jewish, was closely guarded during the Munich competition. Now he speaks about his experiences living courageously with intolerance.

Eric Heiden, golden star of speed skating in the 80's, is a physician who treated one of the current speed skaters following a serious accident and was instrumental in his recovery and return to the ice.

Past Olympians positively engaged in life have some key things in common:

1. They realize their potential for influence on a smaller scale even decades after their time on the podium.
2. They realize they still have skills and talents yet to be discovered and seek new ways to find them and put them to use.
3. They don't let their decreasing physical stamina or athletic skill limit their accomplishment in new endeavors.

They've managed to let go of the past (numerous times depending on their age) and put it in its rightful place realizing it will not be re-lived again in the same way. This allows them to move ahead...to take new risks, continue learning and work diligently on new projects. I guess this isn't too surprising in light of the fact that they were so disciplined in a daily rigorous athletic routine as teens and young adults.

I find I still admire them as much as I did when I watched them receive their medal. I like their commitment, both then and now.

Photo: Kimmie Meisner, U.S. Figure Skater. AP photo / March 25, 2006

Life Outside the Bubble

2010-02-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

No doubt many of you saw the recent movie, “The Blind Side,” a true story of one family’s courage and generosity in reaching out to a young man in great need. I don't know about you, but this film generated a great deal of emotion and contemplation in me as I left the theater.

You may be one of many in the Western world who, like me, live in a sort of bubble. Except through the media or the occasional citing of a homeless person as I'm walking or driving, I'm not readily exposed to the impoverished and disenfranchised lifestyle of the majority of the world.

Most of us have times when we enter into that difficult world through a donation, or a day of volunteerism. However, I'm always thinking about what we can do with our physical resources, intellectual skills and our desires to make life better for those around us. This story is about someone who spends a few hours each week outside the bubble.

Ben is a retired professional in the Midwest. He shared with me his experiences over the past 18 years serving as an advocate with a national organization called CASA. Volunteers with CASA are court appointed special advocates for children. They are individuals in over 1,000 local chapters across the U.S, who make a difference in the lives of abused and neglected children.

Ben, outfitted with several books, picks up the children in his current assignment, 3 siblings, from their foster homes and heads for McDonalds where he engages in general conversation and reads to them ("Froggie Goes To School" is currently the favorite.) Ben doesn’t probe too deeply with questions, but rather tries to make the outing one of relaxed play while trying to create a safe atmosphere conducive to openness if the opportunity presents itself for a child to share their feelings.

The other dynamic of this work is for Ben to dialogue regularly with the others involved in the case: the deputy juvenile officer, teachers, and the foster parent or residential treatment facility supervisor they live with, etc. He takes his personal observations and those of the other professionals and writes reports of his findings and his recommendations for the court prior to the hearings regularly conducted for each minor.

Although judges tend to listen with great interest to Ben’s findings, they don’t always heed his suggestions, especially when it comes to custody matters. Advocates will sometimes see the judge order the child returned to a biological parent against the wishes of the advocate.

The Advocates most successful in their work are those who are able to balance their feelings of hope and loyalty for the children with the ability to avoid being overly attached or invested emotionally in the outcome. Their investment of time is significant....weekly visits with the child as well as followup with others and the writing of the reports. This averages out to about 12-15 hours per month. CASA provides thorough screening and over thirty hours of training for their volunteers.

Currently serving on his 4th case, Ben feels he is adding value to someone’s life, but he doesn’t always get to see the results of his efforts. His first case lasted 10 years and he isn't sure where the young man is now or what has become of his life. But Ben knows his work has an impact of some merit in the life of the children he is assigned to, and is appreciated by the other professionals and the judicial system.

Why does he do it? He has a burden for disadvantaged children lost in the system and wants to do what he can to help them. Thank you, Ben, for your example to all of us and for reaching outside your comfort zone to others in need.

"Whatever time you have to devote to a child, it’s more than that child has ever had. You don’t need any special skills. It’s all about caring and common sense. "~ Sue and Steve Forestadt,  CASA Volunteers

More information about the valuable work of CASA can be found at: www.casaforchildren.org

Photo: Jozsef Szasz-Fabian/Shutterstock.com

Reflections from the Neutral Zone

2009-11-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

We've been in our new town (having moved to California's central coast) for ten months now. It's been long enough I can now have some perspective about the changes I've experienced over the past months.

Being that this is a much smaller community than I've ever lived in, there have been some adjustments. I've realized that when you leave a place that's been familiar for 34 years, you don't assimilate to your new "digs" overnight. I felt like a fish out of water for quite awhile.

Most of the population of my new community is well over 65. We have to drive about 40 minutes to get to movie theaters or Home Depot. Dress is very casual. If you dress up, people stare. I know this because at times I still like to don a nice outfit with jewelry, etc. I now live amongst farmers, vintners, retirees, old hippies, song writers, surfers and coastal environmentalists. And the place to connect with people is the Post Office. The hustle and bustle of Southern California is gone and has been replaced by people who don't wear watches, ever.

William Bridges, in his book, *Transitions, Making Sense of Life's Changes, talks about the "Neutral Zone"...a place between what "used to be" and supposedly arriving at your destination of being fully acclimated. I'm definitely in the Neutral Zone.

Bridges says we tend to look at transition like crossing the street. We leave one curb and make our way across the pavement with the goal of reaching the other curb as quickly as possible. Stopping in the middle and sitting down in the road is not acceptable. This viewpoint of leaving one place and arriving at another in a short amount of time really doesn't exist. The Neutral Zone is a non-negotiable passage in the land of transition.

In real life, transitions have an "in between" place where things seem to stop. We feel alone and empty. Nothing around us seems familiar and we long to get to the other side. Bridges refers to two traps that people fall into when they want "out" of the Neutral Zone...fast forward and reverse.

There is no way to advance through transition like the energizer bunny. And to turn around and go back....we can't do that either. You see, transition alters and transforms us. We are not the same people who began this journey days, weeks, months, or years earlier. We've had experiences along the way that have tweaked us and caused us to change.

To avoid the traps, "do keep moving," Bridges says. If we continue to seek our way, to discover, to take small steps, we will get to the other side.

There are now days I forget to put on a watch. I am adjusting to planning a day of errands in the next town, and I'm starting to run into people I know at the Post Office. I think I'm officially "tweaked."

*Transitions, Making Sense of Life's Changes, William Bridges, Da Capo Press, 2004.

Photo: Carlos Caetano | Dreamstime.com

Chasing Happiness

2009-10-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

"The meaning of earthly existence lies not, as we have grown used to thinking, in prospering, but in the development of the soul." Alexander Solzhenitsyn

In their book, "The Lost Virtue of Happiness," * J.P. Moreland and Klaus Issler distinguish between the classical understanding of the term, "happiness" versus the contemporary meaning of the word. There is a huge difference. People like Moses, Jesus, Aristotle and Plato held to the concept that happiness comes from living a life of virtue and character, a life that demonstrates what Christians refer to as the "Fruit of the Spirit"...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith and self-control.

Over the course of the past century, the cultural understanding of happiness has evolved into one of pleasurable feelings gained from exterior circumstances. While there isn't anything wrong with this type of happiness, if it's all that happiness is for us, we are only happy for a short while. The pleasure of attending a World Series game, basking in the sunshine on a vacation, achieving a promotion at work or purchasing a new car may bring us satisfaction or exhilaration. But what about next month, next year or even tomorrow? Is it realistic to believe that we can feel happiness on that level every day?

Moreland and Issler observe that "if character and deep well-being is our goal, we will learn to see ourselves in light of a larger cause: the outworking of God's plan in history. We will be preoccupied with finding our role in that cause and playing it well."** It is beneficial if the day to day structure of our lives contains some measure of giving ourselves away to a belief and ideal greater than our own inward desires. This isn't something that comes naturally to us. We have to choose it.

Scholar John Gardner says, "Existence is a strange bargain. Life owes us little, we owe it everything. The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose."

Does your life contain a measure of outward focus to a mission greater than yourself? If it does, you have tasted happiness...the kind that lingers for longer than a brief season.

*Moreland, J.P, Issler, Klaus, The Lost Virtue of Happiness, NavPress, 2006.
**Moreland, Issler, The Lost Virtue of Happiness, NavPress, 2006, pg 31.

Photo: Paul Paladin www.123rf.com

Building Inspiration

2009-09-12T07:41:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite childhood pleasures was to be on my hands and knees in the sand creating something. It was more fun working with a friend. I think it started with cookie cutters, plastic shovels and buckets in the little sandbox in my backyard. From the sandbox we moved to the seashore. Sometimes each of us modeled something on our own and other times we began creating collectively. But inevitably we ended up joining forces to build an extraordinary structure with towers, tunnels and trails, all the while secretly wishing it were possible for us to shrink in scale to the size of our creation.

If you've observed people building sand sculptures at the beach, you've seen teamwork in action.

The World Sand Sculptures Academy conducts training to show groups of people how to work together to sculpt some magnificent pieces of art.

Team members learn to value one another's capabilities and qualities and to implement them. The synergy of collective success creates an enjoyable and productive working environment.

Michael Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing, has identified 5 ways to energize your team.

Assume others are smart and working hard.
Listen intently and ask thoughtful questions.
Acknowledge the sacrifices others have made on your behalf.
Express gratitude for their effort and their results.
Remind them why their work is so important and the difference they are making.

Whether people are building a sandcastle, interacting in a marriage or working on a project in a job environment, these 5 concepts foster healthy progress. There is a goal and an interactive acknowledgment that things move ahead productively when people give as much as they receive.

Read Michael Hyatt's article on energizing your team at http://michaelhyatt.com/2009/08/five-ways-to-energize-your-team.html

More information about the World Sandsculpting Academy http://www.wssa.info/?gclid=CLmijsma3pwCFQ7xDAodjWayJw

Photo: Lars Christenen, www.123rf.com

Birds, twigs and twigspiration

2009-08-09T19:16:00.001-07:00

Did you know 73% of people say they were never taught anything about goal setting in their youth? This explains my avoidance of goals, I guess. The word makes me cringe a little. It just isn't something that comes naturally to me. Maybe that's because I wasn't taught much about goal setting or had accountability around me that prompted me to complete goals.

I have set goals and actually crossed the finish line though. One of the big ones that comes to mind is finishing my Bachelor's Degree. I went back to school after my kids went to college and completed my Organizational Leadership degree. But it's more the daily things that seem to fall by the wayside for me. I'd like to be able to set more goals for a short period of time, like a day, and get to sunset and say "Wow, I completed this today."

One of the new goals I've set is to get in better shape physically by way of fitness. I used to be an avid walker, walking almost 4 miles a day, 5-6 days a week. But that was twenty years ago. I keep thinking it was "yesterday" and that getting back into a routine won't be that hard. Actually, the reality of that has hit me recently and I've realized it's going to be a bit like starting over.

I have to make adjustments now because, after all, I am twenty years older. My body needs a recovery day here and there throughout the week depending on the intensity of my exercise. Adjustment is necessary when working toward a goal. My parents and my mother in law needed to be moved into extended care homes while I was finishing my college degree. This necessitated me taking a 2 month break in my classes to allow me to focus on helping my husband and siblings with packing and moving them to a new location. Life happens and goal adjustments are necessary much of the time.

My inspiration is the memory of watching a bird building a nest in the birdhouse in our backyard. I found it fascinating watching a little bird fly up to the 1 1/2 inch hole in our birdhouse with a 3-4 inch twig in its beak and observe all the contortions necessary to get the twig into the hole. It would try all different angles, hopping around, turning its head up, down, twisting to one side or the other, until....finally, after multiple attempts, one end of the twig went into the opening of the house and the bird could maneuver the rest of it inside. Mission accomplished! This process would often take quite awhile. When the bird finally succeeded in getting the twig inside, I felt like cheering for their little victory.

In thinking about all the labor involved for the bird to accomplish just this one feat, I realized the ultimate goal, the big picture, was to complete the nest so there would be a place to hatch and nurture the offspring. But to finally realize the goal, my little feathered friend would have to go out everyday and not only look for twigs and get them into the nest, but find its own nourishment, avoid predators and look after its own welfare. Some days were better than others, I'm sure.

So it is for me with my fitness goals. In order to be able to walk/run a 10K at some point, I have to get outside regularly a few times each week and push myself to move. I need to increase my pace or intensity at regular intervals so I remain challenged and motivated to continue to my goal of getting more physically fit. I will have obstacles...apathy, inclement weather, a busy day, etc. These are all things that will attempt to divert my motivation. But I need to remember the big picture. It will be the little daily victories that get me there. One day at a time...just like the twig gatherer. Then one day I can cheer when I cross the finish line.

Photo: Ingrid Perlstrom - dreamstime.com

Why you can appreciate change, good or bad.

2009-07-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

"If you are finished changing, you are finished."
Benjamin Franklin

When I look at photos I took many years ago of various trips and activities I participated in, not only do I note the physical changes in myself after decades, but I also think about the other changes. What was I like at age 25? How did I perceive life at that time when my experiences and observations were much more limited than they are now? I realize how much change takes place in all of us with each passing year.

I find it encouraging that my worldview has changed and has greater insight than it did many years ago. As a younger person my worldview was defined but lacked understanding and wisdom which only years of life experience can bring. I now know why I believe something. I don't ever want to stop learning because I still have so much to grasp. My life is full of foibles and flaws. And I don't ever want to stop changing. I don't want to be the same person today as I was yesterday. Thank God for sunsets and sunrises! We can leave behind the mistakes and foolishness utterances of yesterday, make the needed amends and move on. We don't have to repeat it.

I was thinking about the concepts of Al-Anon, the organization that provides support to people who live with someone controlled by alcohol or drugs. The goal of the organization is to promote change in the sober family members, not the one who is the substance abuser. Often the Al-Anon member, coming from a place of despair, finds hope, freedom, and a new way of life even though their loved one continues to "use." The hope is that the change one experiences when they learn to let go and live without worry, suspicion and anger, will have an effect on the person struggling with addiction and it often does. The thing that causes someone the most pain can actually be the catalyst for something good.

When someone realizes only the addict can, with God's help, choose sobriety, it releases the loved one from the burden of feeling they have to protect or change the addict. This is a whole new world for someone who has spent much of their life worrying about "what if" or feeling they are caught in the chaos of the addicted person's world.

If you know someone who has a friend or family member who struggles with addiction, let them know about Al-Anon and encourage them to check out a meeting in their area.

"When we long for life without...difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in a contrary wind and diamonds are made under pressure."
-from a prayer by Peter Marshall

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org

Photo: Sheryl Bullock
http://www.sherylbullock.com

Happy days are here again!

2009-06-23T23:07:00.000-07:00

A sunny Saturday afternoon in Nashville...a lovely Nordic bride and a gallant man say "I do." This is no ordinary wedding day. For two people who come out of sadness to find each other, this day is glorious.

My husband and I were privileged to be among the witnesses to this joyous event in May. We are just getting to know the bride, Solveig. We've known her new husband, Jim, for over 30 years. He and his first wife, Janice, were long time friends of ours. We sadly said our goodbyes to Janice over two years ago when Multiple Myeloma cut her life short. Solveig, leaving behind the upheaval and abandonment she experienced and willing to hope and trust again, said "yes" to Jim's proposal of marriage and recently moved her three children to Nashville. Jim's two grown sons live in Boston.

This couple, now all smiles on their new journey, go into the adventure of blending a family. Jim, after a few years in a quiet abode in the woods, will have the vigor of children under his roof again. These three children will come to know his love for them as he adores their mother and keeps them laughing with his prankishness. Jim still knows how to be a kid. He can shoot a rubber band with great accuracy.

Solveig seeks, not to replace Janice in the lives of her sons, but to complement her. I sense she will do that quite well. These young men will once again be blessed by the nurturing maternal love of a woman as they continue on in their adult seasons. Her sweet strength and compassion will quickly win their hearts.

Witnessing this joyous occasion influenced me for the better. I share in their happiness as we do when we watch a couple join together in this most sacred of unions. I also found myself considering the way a marriage can become lost in the frantic fray of life. After 38 years of marriage it is easy for Rich and I to drift aimlessly in our own self-absorbed currents unaware of the growing distance between us. It is easy to lose the newness and anticipation of being together so often felt in the beginning of a relationship. I am reminded by Solveig, Jim and others who've walked the road of loss, not to forget the gift of a mate, to enter into each day thanking God for the privilege of sharing life with someone who said to me, "I will" and meant it.

"Now this is the sum of the matter: if ye will be happy in marriage, confide, love, and be patient; be faithful, firm and holy." Martin F. Tupper

www.solveigleithaug.com

Photo: Nicole Carpenter
nicolesmac@mac.com

Aging is not a disease. It's a privilege.

2009-05-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

Recently I was part of a "virtual" four day seminar via the web (also known as a "webinar") called, "A Woman Inspired." Shelley Ballestero taught a course on caring for our bodies, inside and out. These words from her seminar stuck with me. "Aging is not a disease. It's a privilege."

Okay, here's a different perspective. Aging is a privilege? Wow. I like that. Living in a culture where youth seems to be valued above all else, what is there about aging that deems it a privilege? I decided to think on this one a bit. I just had a birthday and I can use some thoughts on the benefits of aging.

Somewhere along the way, aging was given a negative label. Sure we all know that certain things decline...but some of that can be prevented, which was precisely what her seminar was about. We have remarkable bodies, no doubt about it. Our Creator designed us with a mind-boggling precision. With multiple systems, all working at once and functionally intertwined, our bodies are amazingly crafted. But there are other parts of us too, not just the physical, that deserve equal attention, our emotions and our spirits are part of who we are and play into how we live on this earth.

My mom died at 45 and I realize how much longer I've lived than she did. I've watched my children graduate from high school, college and get married. What a gift! Everyday I get up and have a chance to take care of and make the most of what God has given me....my body, emotions, and my spirit. I have to admit that I don't always view each day as an opportunity. People who have had near death experiences say they cherish each new day in a fresh way unlike those of us who may take rising each morning for granted.

One of the things I like about getting older is that I have more perspective. I've noticed how things play out over the course of time. I've observed cause and effect and have learned from that.

There is a verse in the Bible, Proverbs 2:10-11 which says, "For wisdom will enter your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you and understanding will guard you."

Perspective is something I wouldn't trade for my youth (most days!)

Photo: Marzanna Syncerz www.123rf.com

Participating with the inevitable is the opposite of denial.

2009-05-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a re-play of one of the Dave Ramsey shows, the financial guy on Fox Business News. On this particular broadcast Dave was giving advice to a woman who was irritated with her live-in boyfriend who'd obviously enjoyed playing with all the toys she'd purchased during their six year engagement. She finally was taking steps to get herself out of debt and to stop paying most of the bills and has begun letting him pay his share.

The caller was making statements about the fact that if her fiance doesn't change by the time she pays off her debt, the relationship is over. During the course of the conversation, Dave made the statement, "we need to participate with the inevitable." His point here was that the boyfriend has already shown himself to be who he is and the fact that she continues to wait....to wait 6 years for a marriage (no wedding date in sight,) to wait for him to begin to show concern about his quickly growing debt (now that she's not taking care of him anymore) and to wait to see him take some action is not "participating in the inevitable." He said "the opposite of denial is participating in the inevitable."

How often do we postpone the inevitable rather than facing it for what it is! I think we can all relate to that in some way. Whether it's a money issue or some way that we need to take action to change a relationship, an unhealthy lifestyle, a spending habit, a job...the term "participating" means taking action and refusing to dwell in denial any longer. Something for all of us to think about.

Money continues to be the factor that contributes to the majority of divorces. The pressure of financial issues takes its toll on relationships.

Dave Ramsey promotes the concept of living debt free. It's like getting rid of a ball and chain!

You can check out Dave's website and his resources at: http://www.daveramsey.com

Photo: www.istockphoto.com

How's your pain tolerance?

2009-04-22T12:09:00.001-07:00

This week most of us have seen clips of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, answering a question posed to her during the Miss USA pageant. One of the judges gave her a "zero" because he didn't agree with her answer and went on to make some vulgar remarks about her.

Though we may not find ourselves in a position like Carrie Prejean, where we are asked on television to give our opinion on a subject and then are publicly ridiculed worldwide, similar situations on a smaller scale can happen to any of us.

In the workplace we can be surrounded by people with opposing opinions and tactless or curt personalities. We can find ourselves being backed in a corner by someone who wants our job. Maybe they feel threatened in some way and resort to "bad behavior" in order to gain attention.

How we respond to something painful like this speaks volumes about our character. Carrie Prejean chose to respond calmly and actually state that she forgives Mr. Hilton for his degrading remarks. She had a choice as to what she would say or even if she would say anything. She chose the path of responding with kindness even though she disagreed with him.

I think it's great that she wasn't silent in response to his remarks. She chose to use the opportunity to further defend her position and explain her beliefs in greater detail. She continued to have a calm attitude toward her offender. In fact she expressed care and concern for him. Carrie took what could have been a "downward spiral" and stopped it before it plummeted into a heated exchange. Instead, her reply diverted the tone set by Mr. Hilton. He now basks in the aftereffect of his own words. People on both sides of the same-sex marriage issue don't necessarily want to be associated with him because his comments were so hurtful and extreme.

It took a high pain tolerance for Carrie to choose to be, not just civil, but courageous and courteous in her response. Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." It takes a high pain tolerance to feel the sting and turn it around gently. Carrie paid a high price by stating her views honestly and also responding kindly to Mr. Hilton's insults. I think the crown of her future will be much greater than the one she narrowly missed wearing as Miss USA.

Photo: Dmitry Maslov/dreamstime.com

What I'm reading.....

2009-03-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

"Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the handcuffs of hate." William Ward

A few weeks ago on CBS's news program, "60 Minutes," I saw a moving segment on the story of Ronald Cotton and Jennifer Thompson-Cannino, two people whose lives became forever linked through a case of mistaken identity. In addition to telling their story, the segment took the viewer through the experience of identifying someone from a photograph or a line-up and demonstrated how difficult it can be to remember with accuracy the head and facial features of another person.

This subject is of particular interest to my husband, Rich, and me because Rich has long known that he has a disorder known as "Prosopagnosia," also known as facial blindness. It's the inability to recognize a face to some extent. People with this disorder have a hard time distinguishing facial features which give them the capacity to know one person from another. Rich realized many years ago that some people are easily recognizable to him if they have distinct features or a voice which has a unique characteristic. Other people, if he doesn't see and converse with them regularly, seem to fade into a vague category where they look similar to any number of people he may see in a given day. There is nothing extraordinary about them which tips him off as to their identity especially if he hasn't seen them in years. This "60 Minutes" segment displayed how easy it is for anyone, whether they have Prosopagnosia or not, to pick the wrong person.

My current read is the recently published book, "Picking Cotton," based on Ronald and Jennifer's story. I was fascinated by this segment because miraculously, Ronald and Jennifer are very good friends now even though Jennifer mistakenly picked Ronald from a line-up of possible suspects in an attempt to arrest and convict the man who raped her at the age of 22. Ronald, also 22 at the time of the crime, went to jail for eleven years based on Jennifer's mistake.

The subtitle of their book is "Our memoir of injustice and redemption." Now in their late 40's, Jennifer and Ronald, devote their time to efforts which they hope will prevent this tragic type of mistake from happening to others.

I'm only about a third of the way through the book. And I must tell you it's not the kind of light reading you may typically enjoy before bedtime. Both of these individuals experienced brutality that none of us want near us. I am reading this book because I want to read about the kind of forgiveness that allows two people to somehow not just politely reconcile, but actually become dear friends.

Forgiveness like this is rare. It requires two individuals to embrace humility. They must forego vindictiveness which seems very justified. It requires the faith to believe that somehow God has the power to redeem the most tragic of circumstances and make something good from the ashes of brokenness.

Jennifer and Ronald are two people who were handcuffed by hate and have now been set free.

pickingcottonbook.com

The Power of Vision

2009-03-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

"There is more to us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for less."
Kurt Hahn, founder of "Outward Bound"

Rich and I just spent a couple days with our daughter and son in law. They just purchased their first home. It's a very unique home, to be sure. Built sometime near 1920, the home is made of stone and mortar. At some point in time it was occupied by immigrants from Holland who ran a dairy farm on the acreage surrounding the home. Now it's encompassed by middle class suburbia. But it has somehow managed to survive and shines like a gem with its individuality. But yes, it does need some work. The house has great bones but is the object of some puzzling alternations. Its history of residents brought some unskilled creativity to the structure along with some unusual modifications. So our offspring have taken on the task of restoring and modernizing it in keeping with the original character of the house.

Vision is required before they can take action with a hammer in hand. Actually, vision was necessary for them to develop the commitment to purchase this house. When they looked inside the home, vision began to flourish. They know what they want the home to look like. So the current state of the house is quite different from what they envision down the road.

They are both creative people with design skills. But they are also attempting some new challenges. They are both learning to use various tools, trim large trees, re-key locks, etc....thing's they've never attempted before. They've learned some lessons already and continue undaunted toward their goal. It might be easy for them to give up. But keeping the vision of their dream house at the forefront of their mind, gives them inspiration and encouragement as they do the numerous mundane and often annoying tasks required to bring their dream to completion.

The yard, untouched, for many months, will eventually have an intentional look to it with the evidence of their labor and newly-acquired skills. But first they have to cut down the weeds. They will figure out what to do with a 1920-sized closet in the master bedroom. These kinds of things have the potential to overwhelm us and freeze us in a state of discouragement. I have to admit that Rich and I have sometimes questioned their vision. Often those closest to you are the ones who express doubt about your dream and whether it's possible for you to achieve it. Now that we've been watching their progress we find we are inspired by their dedication to their vision.

Are you frozen in a situation where you feel overwhelmed? What dream do you have that has been buried in a mire of challenges? Have you looked at the obstacles and decided your dream probably won't happen?

Working with a coach can move you beyond the frozen state and into the reality of actively working toward your goal. Coaches provide perspective, feedback and creative planning. It's easy to get side-tracked when you work alone. The strength of the coaching partnership provides forward-thinking and will give you the tools to move ahead with your vision.

Is it time for you to begin working with a coach?

Photo: Galyna Andrushko/shutterstock.com

Take the cookies when they are passed

2009-02-24T12:54:00.001-08:00

So what life lessons can be found in a cookie (other than too many can add unwanted pounds?) Well, quite a bit actually. I recently heard the saying, "Take the cookies when they are passed." This is a "seize the moment" message. It's easy to fall into procrastination and postpone taking action on things we say are significant to us.

Some cookies only pass by once in a lifetime. If we're honest, all of us usually have some things we'd change if we could. Maybe they are not monumental issues, but generally we can look back and wish we'd done something different. There may have been conversations we wish we'd had with someone who is no longer alive. Or maybe there were educational or career opportunities we would take now that we passed up years ago. It may not be possible to return to that specific opportunity. Those of us who have raised children often look back wishing we would have handled something differently. For that particular moment in time, we cannot go back and change the situation. It's in the past.

Not all cookies are good for you. Be selective about which cookies you take. Some will wreak havoc with your life. It's best to let those go by. In fact, stay away from the plate. Taking risks or making choices that threaten your health or moral integrity can inflict devastation on yourself or others. Things such as substance abuse, cheating on taxes, adultery, or betrayal are best left alone. Though they may be tempting, the payoff isn't worth it. Passing up these cookies may mean you have a seemingly difficult road ahead, but in the end, you'll be very glad you didn't take one of these cookies. They are akin to poison.

Some cookies may come around a second time, but on the other hand, they may not. It's easy for us to have a mindset that says "I can do that later." I find that as I get older, I'm realizing that "later" may be sooner than I envision. Phrases like "Someday let's help build a Habitat for Humanity house" or "Let's go visit Aunt Maria in Italy some year" are plans that are dependent on certain events over which we have little control. What action do you need to take now to move toward the things you intend to do? Losing weight or developing an exercise routine, reviewing for an upcoming exam you know you'll need to eventually take for a promotion, or re-establishing a connection with someone you no longer have contact with, but wish you did, are all things that have a ticking clock alongside them. I'm taking the cookies more these days because I'm not sure they'll be offered to me again.

If you passed up some cookies you wished you'd taken, look for others. Maybe it was best we didn't take them after all. There are valuable lessons in passing up some cookies. If you have regrets, what can you do to create new options for yourself? Opportunities always exist around us. Maybe it won't look quite the same as what you passed up, but it will bring into being something similar or even better than you thought possible. Don't dwell in regret. You may be able to significantly improve a relationship by owning up to imperfection or past mistakes. Your business failure may provide a springboard for you to help someone else or it may lead you to finally researching a new profession you've always been told by others you'd be good at.

So here's to following through on those good intentions today.

"Don't wait for extraordinary opportunities. Seize common occasions and make them great."
Orison Swett Marden

Photo: © Dawn Hudson | Dreamstime.com

Are you ready for some good news?

2009-02-17T21:32:00.000-08:00

I noticed that the celebration and interviews after the "Miracle on the Hudson" went on for over three weeks. We just couldn't get enough of hearing about heros, bravery, humility, kinship, and teamwork. People are hungry for good news.

In a very dismal economy with so many losing their jobs and homes, is there an upside? I don't know if you've noticed but there is a sense of community emerging. When things get tough, it provides opportunity to reach out to others in new and creative ways.

Having just moved to a small town I am keenly aware that those "in community" take care of each other. There's a family here who just lost a teenage son in an accident and had already been dealing with job loss. People in the town have come together to do what they can to encourage and support this family in some very tangible ways.

Just today I heard about a handful of people who have decided to help a widow with a piece of property she owns. Her husband, Andy, had created a sort of garden and sitting area on the property. It was even used a few times for weddings. His widow couldn't keep it maintained after he died. People began to inquire about it as they saw it begin to deteriorate. Six people are each chipping in $5 monthly so the lawn can be mowed regularly. And others are showing up to trim shrubs, plant flowers, etc. The activity is contagious. People who didn't know each other before taking on this project are now friends.

As John McCain said, "People long to be part of something bigger than themselves." There is great satisfaction in joining together with others for a common cause.

As a coach I get to watch people identify ways they can contribute their time, talents, and treasures to something they are passionate about. When they take action, good news happens!

Photo: Ionut Dan Popescu/www.123rf.com

Alternatives to Chocolate

2009-02-11T08:51:00.000-08:00

Are you kidding, you might be thinking? Well, yes....I'm not suggesting you eliminate chocolate from your life. I've just been doing some thinking about Valentine's Day and the expressions of love we give to those around us. It's easy to get in a rut and do the same thing each year when February 14 rolls around. Although moms may relish an evening of fine dining without the children, those of you who enjoy new and creative ways to celebrate, may be wondering what your beloved has in mind for 2009's festivity. This year the 14th falls on a Saturday which gives you a wider range of time to celebrate rather than having to cram your fun into a busy weeknight.

For those who may be stressing over what to do, (you have a few days left!) there are many ideas out there. We've all got talents and hobbies. You'll be surprised what you can come up with. Are you musical? artistic, athletic, even engineering-minded? Don't discount your giftedness....it can lead to the best ideas ever.

Valentines Day isn't just for couples. You can make it a family event. Children are so energized by surprises and creativity when it comes to giving to others. Make use of your child's fun-loving spirit and tap into their ideas if you are wanting to include them in the celebration. You can make valentines, cookies, a special dessert (or take them with you to buy it if you are short on time) and include the kids in that.

Have the kids help you write a poem. With a little inspiration you might be surprised what you can come up with. You can even add music and sing it. If the kids want to dress up, go for it!

Make a list of a few people you know who are alone this year on Valentine's Day. What could you do for them to bring a smile to their faces? The joy of giving is hard to top.

Having been married 38 years, my husband and I are always looking for ways to add some creativity and new ideas to our relationship. Both our children are recently married and live several hours from us, so its just the two of us.

I have to say that I have enjoyed the dinners and the flowers I've received over the years. But this year we are planning something different for our celebration.

Being that we are now living on California's Central Coast, we decided we'd spend Saturday, the 14th, together with an opened-ended day. We're starting out by heading 20 miles north to a restaurant located in a scenic spot for a mid-late morning breakfast. We're dressing casual because there are some great walks in this area. You can hike trails which take you through hillsides or down to the water's edge. Tidepools abound so watersocks will be in order. Because we have a Jeep Wrangler we can explore some new territory in the hills. I'm looking forward to seeing things I haven't seen before. We're skipping the fine dining in a restaurant for this year, but will celebrate in some other unique environments, I think.

What activities are in your area you have never checked out before? You know they exist but have been too busy to stop and experience them. Saturday, the 14th, may be the time.

Whatever you do, enjoy the opportunity to do something nice with those you love. They are your greatest treasure. And you can even include a little chocolate in some ingenius way!

Under the magnifying glass

2009-02-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

No doubt the issue of character is before us on a daily basis. Our own, and reports of everyone elses! Some decisions we make are very cut and dried in our mind when it comes to what's right and wrong. Other decisions may be more problematic to sort out.

Most everyone wants to be viewed as having a high level of moral character. Words which claim our high integrity are easily spoken. However, when one digs below the surface they may find our integrity lacking.

Our news reports are full of stories of character-related issues. Today we learned that some of Obama's nominees for cabinet positions withdrew their names due to questions about their honesty in declaring income and taking deductions over the past few years. When the magnifying glass was placed over their tax returns, it was brought to the attention of the world that some things had been omitted, tweaked, minimized, etc. With most Americans wanting to see our government leadership conducting themselves at a higher level of honesty, this is not good news. Each political party wants to point fingers at the other side, but it seems to be indicative of the whole spectrum of public servants no matter what their ideology.

I have to ask....with so many people without adequate healthcare, what kind of person do we want heading the Health and Human Services Department? With multiple natural disasters in our country over the past five years, what kind of person would be most effective leading a department overseeing these misfortunes?

There is something to be said for a leader not only saying they are passionate about an issue, but living in a way that demonstrates it and attracts others to follow their lead. Leaders who connect in a tangible way to the people they serve are usually the most effective in achieving their goals and bringing others on board to serve enthusiastically alongside them. Leadership often involves sacrifice and denial of personal fame and fortune in order to bring advancement to those who need it. Our comfort levels are often challenged. There are no shortcuts to good leadership. Honesty and humility in service energizes people and builds trust for the road ahead.

Given what happened today, I wonder if the nominees feel it was worth it to declare less income and take deductions which were questionable. Did the revelation of their actions build a higher level of trust and connect them to the populace they serve?

It's a new era..what defines yours?

2009-01-20T20:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, it just happens to be Inauguration Day here in the United States. And it is a new era. We just watched the first black American take the presidential oath of office. This image is astounding to me, especially when we watch the inhumane film footage of the civil rights struggle in the 60's. Finally, the long era of "whites only" discrimination is quickly diminishing. But like the Holocaust, for our own good, it should never be forgotten.

The term "era" is used to describe a period of time with a particular distinction or feature usually with historical significance. We learn major lessons when looking at eras of the past.

We're all waiting to see what the Obama era will be like. He has plans and aspirations, but looking at his predecessor teaches him that there is only so much he can predict or control. We won't know about the Obama era until down the road. Former President Bush had ideas of what his era would hold, but 9/11/2001 changed much of it.

Entering a new era gives me opportunity to ask questions of myself. This era of moving to a new community is rather unknown and unfamiliar and the distinctions haven't been documented yet. But I have some choices before me as to how I can use my time, talent and treasures. Those choices will help form my new era. I'm thinking about what ideals and convictions I can choose to act on that will help to shape my era. Some of it will be a surprise, things beyond my current visibility, but some of it will be my deliberate choosing.

Photo: istockphoto.com

"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose...most times you choose between the two"*

2009-01-14T09:11:00.000-08:00

In the backyard of the home I just moved from, I had a birdhouse mounted on a tall post. My husband, Rich, made it for me for a special occasion one year. I had flowers planted in pots hanging on the post along with the sign, "To everything there is a season." This phrase comes from a verse in in the Bible in the book of Ecclesiastes. Having these words posted in a garden was appropriate, don't you think? But that phrase refers to so much more than flowering plants going in and out of season. Our lives are made up of numerous seasons because we live in an ever-changing world.

This morning I read the phrase:
"Whatever the season of life, attitude makes all the difference."

I was thinking about one of my coaching clients who called yesterday to tell me he had to re-schedule our appointment because his 90 year old grandmother had been hospitalized and he needed to help his mom with some issues related to his grandmother's condition. "Grandma" refuses to leave her home even though she struggles to adequately and safely care for herself there anymore. My client is in one of those seasons we all encounter which challenges our comfort and contentment level.

I'm in one of those seasons myself. I don't do well with chaos and moving tends to be chaotic most of the time. It's easy to let frustration, disappointment and maybe even anger pull us off-track. We can get so irritated we lose perspective.

I don't want to let the frustration of a season hinder my ability to see and experience other things which can bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. What things could you be missing today due to a difficult season? How can you look past the discomfort and take full advantage of your day? I don't want to miss a thing!

"The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances."
Martha Washington

(If you want to check out the nifty hidden pot hangers I used in my backyard, look at www.hangapot.com)

*lyrics by Carole King, "Sweet Seasons" from the album "Music" originally released 1971 Ode Records.

Photo: Yuriy Brykaylo@www.123rf.com (image #3697348)

Saying goodbye to a happy house.

2009-01-11T08:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I said goodbye to our house of 33 years. Unbelievable! Yes, 33 years in one place. That doesn't happen too often in our transient world.

Saying farewell to this house was a departure of choice for us. With our two children both married, my husband and I decided we wanted to opt for living in a smaller, simpler place. The realization that time passes so quickly brought us to the crossroads of deciding how we want to spend our time. Tending a quarter acre lot was never-ending. Although doing so brought great satisfaction at times, it left us feeling drained and longing for time to pursue other things. So many families are facing departures right now and they have no other choice. Honestly, I don't know what it feels like to face foreclosure. I'm thankful for this house...a treasured shelter for so many years.

Like any family, we had our times of light-hearted play, joy and celebration in this house and also our moments of conflict, chaos and struggle to hold it all together. We remember both the good times and the hard times as it is part of who we are. The tapestry of our relationships is woven with both the pleasure and pain we all experience.

Time to leave...I got into my car and slowly backed out of the driveway. I paused there in the street waiting to drive away. I found it very difficult to put my foot on the accelerator and proceed up the street. It was like I was frozen and unable to move forward. But the inevitability of doing so eventually gave me the courage to face the realization that it was time to move on. It felt very unreal.

As I left the neighborhood I thought about the fact that in moving, I leave the structure...the shelter that was our physical haven. With me I take the tapestry...the experiences, the memories, and the relationship our family has created in dwelling together. My children are now weaving their own tapestries in new places. Rich and I will continue to create more relationship in a new physical location.

A friend recently commented to me that in seeking new adventure, we find it is always accompanied by some type of loss. I found that true yesterday. Leaving brings unfamiliarity, discomfort, and uncertainty. The flip side is I get to take the relationships and the recollections with me. Home is not just the physical dwelling place, but the true sense of being connected with our families and experiencing life together.

When we listed our house for sale, our real estate agent said that we had a happy house and prospective buyers can sense the emotion of a house when house-shopping. Apparently some homes are sad and lack a warmth that attracts people. I'm glad to know the people who now inhabit our house are anticipating a positive experience living there.

Life coaching is often about transitioning from a "known" to an "unknown." This journey of leaving will take me to a place of greater understanding and empathy as I coach others on their path of change.

A baby changes everything

2008-12-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

Faith Hill has released a new Christmas album. In addition to traditional Christmas music, she's added a new treasure. She recorded this song recently written by friends of hers. It's my Christmas greeting to you.....

Teenage girl, much too young
Unprepared for what’s to come
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

Not a ring
On her hand
All her dreams and all her plans
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

The man she loves she’s never touched
How will she keep his trust
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

And she cries, oh she cries

She has to leave, go far away
Heaven knows she can’t stay
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

She can feel it’s coming soon
There’s no place, there’s no room
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

And she cries and she cries O she cries

Shepherds all gather 'round (Shepherds all they gather 'round)
Up above the star shines down (Star shines down)
A baby changes everything
A baby changes everything

Choir of Angels say
Glory to the newborn king
A baby changes everything, everything, everything, every day
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah....

My whole life is turned around
I was lost and now I’m found
A baby changes everything

Songwriters: Nichols, James Timothy; Wiseman, Craig Michael; Wiseman, Kim
Recorded and performed by: Faith Hill

Photo: Evilin @ www.dreamstime.com (Image #3211472)

Giving

2008-12-13T09:11:00.000-08:00

"Giving frees us from the familiar territory of our own needs by opening our mind to the unexplained worlds occupied by the needs of others." Barbara Bush

I'm getting practical here! Our house is in escrow so I'm evaluating what to pack, what to give away and what to throw away. I've always enjoyed giving but it's been an especially interesting adventure this time around.

I discovered a thrift shop in my town that is connected with a nursing home home run by nuns. This organization sells their donations and uses the income to help enhance the facility. When I would take things to the women who work in the shop I'd wonder "Is this going to get thrown out? Will they really want this?" Apparently, they do. My junk is a treasure for them and brings more smiles and money for them than what I'd ever get at a garage sale. That's a great feeling.

Giving is a focus in this season of celebration. It's all over the media. People giving their time, money, love, possessions, and skills to come to the aid of others. Wouldn't it be great if we always had the "giving" mentality!

Photo: istockphoto
Copyright: Anne Clark/bloodstone

Mired in Materialism

2008-11-23T19:39:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm in the middle of this maze trying to find my way out to the wide open spaces where I can breathe deeply again. The maze in my life right now consists of all my earthly possessions. After 32 years in this home we are moving. My husband and I realized the other day that this is the first time we've actually moved a typical sized household. When we originally bought this home we were young marrieds with very little materially to our name. I wish I could say that's still true. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for the things surrounding me. But I realize I don't really need half of it. And now that we are actually packing, alot of it needs to go. Trying to decide what to keep and what to get rid of is no easy task.

There are things that are difficult to throw out like birthday cards sent a few years ago by my step-mom who has dementia and is now in a care facility. She wrote so eloquently on each card. Or how about the glass plates my mom used when entertaining her friends for lunch in the 50's. The memories associated with my mom using these plates are really vivid. But some of the plates are chipped and I don't use them myself. I now know why people were much slimmer in the 50's. When you went to lunch, you actually ate off an 8 inch lunch-sized plate. Portion control was no problem then.

Then there are the gifts my children made in pre-school like handprints on potholders or Mother's Day cards they made just for me. I think I'll be keeping those. I won't even count the number of CD's we have! Now with ipods, do we really need all these? And how many do we still listen to? Our local library takes donations. Thank goodness!

I keep wondering what would have happened had I not periodically cleaned out closets. At least I went through and got rid of clothes, books, etc. that I didn't need anymore on a fairly regular basis. You hear about people who never throw anything away. A friend of mine actually had to clean out a relative's home who never threw anything away. My friend found a note written by my mother in the 40's...something very insignificant, but this homeowner had saved it along with hundreds of other pieces of paper. I can't imagine having the job of cleaning out a home like that.

My friend, Anne Bauman, a Professional Organizer, reminds me there is a mindset one should have when realizing you need to radically downsize possessions. She says she encourages people to remember they got some use out of the item they are parting with and now someone else will love it and use it too. Somehow it doesn't seem wasteful if you are passing it on to someone else for their benefit.

There is something very freeing about not owning too many things. I'm realizing that in some cases the memories mean more to me than the object. "That was a great book. I remember how much I enjoyed it." Will I read it again? Probably not. I'm feeling the load lightening each day.

Photo: Alexander Rivosh/www.123rf.com

Living Beyond Our Circumstances

2008-11-21T20:02:00.000-08:00

Our thoughts can swim in two extreme pools, one is fear and the other is gratefulness. We all have a biological instinct of fear. It's what has allowed our species to survive. Fear warns us of eminent danger or reminds us to be cautionary in certain situations. But if allowed to dominate our minds, fear can cripple our lives and limit us. There needs to be a balance between love and fear.

Dan Baker and Cameron Stauth, in their book, What Happy People Know, discuss this concept and observe, "Appreciation is the purest, strongest form of love. It is the outward-bound kind of love that asks for nothing and gives everything. Research now shows that it is physiologically impossible to be in a state of appreciation and a state of fear at the same time. Thus appreciation is the antidote to fear. "

We are living with many unknowns. There is insecurity in the future of our economic system. With seemingly negative news all around us, it can be a challenge to choose to live in appreciation, to look for ways to express love and to be grateful for the aspects of our lives that are in line with our values.

In this season of thanks, what can we choose to appreciate? How can we step out of the chains of fear and find freedom? In the Old Testament in Isaiah 51:3, we read the words,

"The LORD will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing."

In this passage, Jehovah God promises to care for Israel in the midst of the hardships and tragedy they face. Not only is comfort and care promised, but there is an upside...joy, celebration and thankfulness.

No matter what we are going through, we have the choice to be grateful or to dwell in fear or bitterness over any sorrow we may be experiencing. I hope and pray that you will know the freedom of living beyond your circumstances and dwelling in a place of celebration and joy.

*Baker, Dan and Stauth, Cameron, What Happy People Know, Rodale, Inc., 2003

Photo: Marlene Cabais, www.123rf.com

Is there such a thing as "Fall" in California?

2008-10-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, there is. You might have to hunt for it a bit, but Fall seems to be here now. Today Rich and I drove across Highway 46 from the Central Coast of California into the wine country. Certain varieties of grapes are being harvested right now and their foliage flowing across the hillsides in neat rows show off beautiful hues of reds and purples.

Jack Creek Farm located along Highway 46 is a great stop this time of year. They have displays of scarecrows and hay bales decorated with more kinds of pumpkins, gourds and squash than I've ever seen. It's fascinating to look at all of them. I even saw zucchini similar to ones I picked in my garden this summer that were close in size to a baseball bat. Somehow they hid beneath the large green leaves and I missed finding them when they were the edible size. But the giant ones here had some pretty hefty price tags on them. And I have to admit they looked pretty artsy. And I threw mine in our compost bin! I had no idea they were worth so much.

Fall reminds me of my childhood in Michigan where we romped in big, very big piles of maple leaves. There were apple stands scattered across the colorful countryside and the apple cider they served up tasted so good. I always hated that we had to wear jackets under our Halloween costumes because it was often cold and rainy by late October. It wasn't cool fashion-wise to have jacket sleeves extending beyond your poofy Cinderella sleeves. But somehow having those bags of candy stashed under our beds for weeks made it worth it.

Stopping in See Canyon south of San Luis Obispo is a reminder of those childhood days. Several of the ranches tucked back off the road grow and sell their apples and cider this time of year.

So you really can experience "Fall" in California. You might have to get off the freeway and hit a back road or two, but it's worth it.

Photo: Sheryl Bullock

Because "nice" matters

2008-10-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

"But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."
Psalm 86:15

A couple weeks ago I visited a friend who recently moved to Santa Barbara. Her husband passed away from cancer about a year ago at a "way too early" age and she just sold her spacious home in the burbs and down-sized to a little cottage. When I entered her living room my eyes caught the image of a frame on her end table. It held a message which simply reads, "Because Nice Matters." "Where did you get this?" I asked. She said, "I made it up."

Wow...something very simple and yet so profound. What a great reminder to read every day! Is being nice or having someone be nice to us something we value? How can we communicate that "nice" matters to us? I was thinking about it in terms of our upcoming election. It seems we are hearing campaign rhetoric and some "not so nice" situations as people express their opinions about who they want to be the next president.

The simple act of choosing to react in a nice manner or choosing to do something that demonstrates kindness and consideration sends a powerful message. That message says something about us and it also delivers something powerful to the other person. Being nice to someone says to that person, "you matter." When we choose to act with kindness it also says something about us and what kind of person we are. Better yet, it can also influence people to change their crabby attitudes. When someone is kind to you, you take note, and are more apt to pass on that graciousness of attitude toward the people you come in contact with. Kindness has the power to deflect anger. It's not always easy to take the time to be nice, especially since we are so rushed or frustrated with life on any given day.

I'm looking for ways to show people they "matter." The more often I do it, the more it will be become a habit.

Photo: Massimiliano Pieraccini/123rf.com

Taking the plunge into leadership

2008-10-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

There are a number of ways we can end up in leadership. Sometimes we volunteer for a position which requires some leadership skills. Other times someone might identify us as someone with the ability to be a leader and an invitation comes our way. Or maybe we see the chance to go from being a follower to a leader and that excites and motivates us. So we apply for a job that will mean stepping into a leadership role.

Going from follower to leader may feel like you are taking a plunge into unknown waters. Scary! Remember you have already walked in the shoes of the follower. From that vantage point you watched other leaders take a group of people or an organization toward a destination. At times you probably didn't agree with all you observed in your leader. You may have thought of other ways to accomplish the goal. Maybe you even pictured yourself in the leader's role and thought about how you would lead in a specific situation.

Some of our first "leaders" in life, other than our parents, are teachers. Did you have a teacher or two who had a positive influence on you? Chances are if you did, they were people who held themselves to a high standard of accountability in their profession and also showed an interest in you as a person. Maybe they gave you compassion and encouragement when you needed it. Did they go the extra mile in helping you when you struggled academically with schoolwork? You knew you were not just a grade in their gradebook. You knew they cared about you.

This is one of the most fundamental concepts of leadership. Serving people by showing them you care, listening to them and wanting them to be the best they can be, will provide a good segue as you go from follower to leader.

Whether your opportunity to lead is now or down the road, don't hesitate to dive in. And as you do, think of yourself as a servant, a listener, and a developer of the people you are privileged to lead.

Photo: Steve Johnson/123rf.com

Before we can lead, we must learn how to follow.

2008-10-08T12:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been part of an organization or any kind of group where you just didn't jive with the leadership? It happens all the time. Maybe you have a different personality than the overseer. Or perhaps you have a dramatically contrasting opinion on how the the group should proceed.

"Following" comes very naturally for some people. For others, it can be a frustrating experience. Most people have probably been in both scenarios.

There are advantages to being a follower. As one who follows you don't have the ultimate responsibility for the outcome. Although it could be said that a follower definitely contributes to the outcome on some level. The level of contribution is often based on our response to the challenge given to us. Wouldn't it be great if followers saw themselves as sharing in the responsibility for the outcome? It would definitely make a difference in the direction, enthusiasm and end result. So much can be accomplished when the followers contribute rather than passively tag along.

As a follower you respond to the direction given by the leader. And that is very much a choice for someone in the follower position. You can rebel, be supportive, be apathetically compliant while silently annoyed, be an enthusiastic advocate, or creatively contribute new ideas to the cause in a non-threatening way. Sometimes we run into obstacles with leaders who don't want to consider other options. This is where the frustration can appear for a follower.

If you are in that situation, what are the various creative and positive options open to you? Think of as many as you can whether they seem realistic or not. Now narrow them down to your favorites and determine your first course of action. If you try something and it doesn't work, move on to some of the other options on your list.

Whatever your experience may be, following is a journey of learning. It's a walk down the path of "trial and error." As followers we can learn from the mistakes and flaws of imperfection of those in command. And we can take note of and even share in the triumphs and successes of their leadership. These observations become part of our leadership education. We sort through all of it and decide what we want to keep and use in the future and what we'd rather minimize or throw out.

It's essential to walk in those "follower" shoes before we step into leadership.

Photo: Daniel Wiedemann/123rf.com

Inspirational Afternoon

2008-09-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Rich and I went to the Reagan Presidential Library. It's located several miles from our home and we hadn't been there in awhile. This past week the original Emancipation Proclamation was on display at the library and we were privileged to view it for a minute (literally) along with hundreds of others who were there. It was a great opportunity to see this document, reflect on Lincoln and his courage, and view the latest additions to the library.

We toured the presidential aircraft, Air Force One, used by six presidents, including Reagan, which, as of several years ago, is now permanently displayed at the library in this magnificent glass pavilion.

As we browsed the various exhibits depicting Reagan's life and presidency, I was again so moved by his sense of personal responsibility to his nation, whether he was in office or not. The sense of entitlement, so present in our culture today, was not a part of his thinking. Instead he viewed government as something to be kept in check.

In his first inaugural address on January 20, 1981, Reagan said,

"Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem. From time to time we've been tempted to believe that society has become too complex to be managed by self-rule, that government by an elite group is superior to government for, by, and of the people. Well, if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else? All of us together, in and out of government, must bear the burden. The solutions we seek must be equitable, with no one group singled out to pay a higher price."

John F. Kennedy's inaugural speech contained the oft recited quote: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

When Americans sink into entitlement mentality, we put a ball and chain on ourselves individually and as a nation which pulls us down into a mire of restriction and regulation. Isn't this what our founding fathers were trying to escape?

On a personal level, I know there is dignity in work. There is a sense of contribution in being able to accomplish something with quality and significance. I've experienced that and want to cultivate that concept in others.

Related links: www.reaganlibrary.com

Photo: Sheryl Bullock

Creating "the day"

2008-09-15T16:45:00.000-07:00

So, have you considered what a day would be like without duties, demands, and deadlines? Creating a day like this for yourself is not the same as "pampering." A trip to the spa may be wonderful, but what would happen if you went somewhere where it was really quiet except for maybe some occasional wistful sound of nature in the background?

Our world is filled with sound...maybe it's music in the grocery store, the TV in your home, the coffee machines at Starbucks, or engine noise, yours and all the other vehicles around you, as you drive home from work on the freeway. Whatever it is, we are definitely conditioned to noise. Given that we live in that state so much, silence can be uncomfortable and almost scary!

Great things can happen to you in the midst of extended silence. What can happen in silence? We have time and space to think! What a novel idea. In an age where our brains receive continual rapid fire information, we have opportunity to, as the dictionary* says, "use one's mind actively to form connected ideas."

Try taking a notebook and a pen with you and spending an extended period of time (a few hours) in a spot out in nature where you are away from people and noise. You may be surprised as to what comes to mind and makes its way onto the paper in front of you. Creative ideas, reflections on life, or some very imaginative plans may visit you...thoughts that would never surface in a typical day filled with routine activity. When we step out of the craziness of a frenzied pace and spend some time in the "quiet," our lives can come to a crossroads of change and growth.

That familiar Bible chapter, the 23rd Psalm, gives us some images that start us pondering. "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul." It doesn't get much better than that. And its effects linger much longer than a day at the spa.

*Oxford American Dictionary

Photo: Stanko Mravljak/www.123rf.com

Ever have one of those days?

2008-09-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

I know, you're sitting there saying, "yes, yes, I have!" But I'm not talking about the kind of day where you are frustrated, going too many directions, and just plain overwhelmed with your life. I'm talking about a day with no duties, demands or deadlines. "What was that again," you say? Okay, I'll repeat it for you...."When was the last time you had a day with no duties, demands, or deadlines?"

I was recently asked this question. Hmmm. It stopped me in my tracks! I attended a women's event recently where Dr. Sharon Norling spoke about the effects of stress on our bodies and the prevalence of disease resulting from that stress. Did you know that over 70% of disease is directly related to the stress is our lives?

I think we tend to make the assumption that if we do not have a major crisis going on at the moment then we are not living with stress. Not so. Her implication was that a constant lifestyle of duties, demands, and deadlines is stress. So it's important to set aside regular days where we block out the day on our calendars and devote that space to something that will give us a break from the daily grind. This is a fantasy, you say? Yes, it does seem like it.

My question for you is, "What would it take for you to create one of those days for yourself?" What steps would you take to begin to create this day?

I snapped this photo yesterday of the courtyard outside Hotel Cheval in Paso Robles, California. I was walking down the sidewalk and there it was....a perfect picture of tranquility right before my eyes. So gaze on it for awhile as you begin to create your day without duties, demands or deadlines. and we'll continue this conversation. I'll be back with more suggestions and inspiration.

In the meantime, take a slow, deep breath and enjoy creating!

Sunrise, Sunset

2008-08-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

Writing in my last post about the simple lifestyle in the mountain cabin renewed my curiousity about our daily schedules and the rhythms of nature.

While at the cabin we turned off the generator each evening when darkness fell. Then we all went to bed. We had our book lights which was kind of "campy" and if we had to use the restroom, we had our flashlights within arm's reach on a nightstand. With no electricity in the vicinity of the cabin, when darkness fell, it was really dark with only the moon and stars offering traces of light. We tended to get much more sleep than at home as we went to bed as soon as it was dark outside and fell asleep earlier than at home. We were awakened slowly and gently by the sun's rays streaming in the cabin windows rather than the buzz of an alarm clock or ipod music.

Randy Frazee, in his book, "Making Room for Life: Trading Chaotic Lifestyles for Connected Relationships," speaks about the Hebrew Day Planner. This is the author's term for the relationship of daily activities in the Hebrew culture to day and night. Hours of daylight, 6 AM to 6 PM, were devoted to work and productivity which was mostly agrarian (land related or agricultural) in nature. After dusk (6 PM) people ceased their work and spent some time with family before going to sleep. Also, according to Hebrew tradition, one day a week, the Sabbath was observed, a day which gave the Hebrews time for spiritual refreshment and required rest from labor.

With the invention of the light bulb this natural calendar ceased to govern the way we work, play and sleep. We now can work pretty much whenever we want because we no longer rely as heavily on sunlight. And although we're told we need to get 8 hours sleep each night, the presence of electricity well into the night hours allows us to convert sleep time to work or play time. No wonder most of us are sleep-deprived. I must admit that late evening is some of my best work time!

I'm always looking for ways to simplify my life. Although I doubt I'd be able to adhere to the Hebrew Day Plan system, I can choose to incorporate parts of it into my life. Now that the Summer Olympics have ended I may have a a chance at a good night's sleep!

Leaving Her Mark

2008-08-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

"No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever."
- Francois Mocuriac

I'm blessed to have some incredible friendships. One person I don't see too often, but whose friendship I value greatly, is Connie Kennemer. Connie and I met thirty years ago. We were both pregnant with our boys at the same time, shared the joys of motherhood, and kept in touch periodically. Something just "clicked" with Connie and I when we met. Now we just pick up where we leave off even if it's been a couple years since we've seen each other.

Over time, Connie, whose smile and glowing countenance is contagious, has experienced some heartache. Multiple Sclerosis has been her constant companion for quite a few years now...an unwelcome visitor upon someone who thrives on activities like playing the piano. Yet Connie has welcomed this illness, hesitantly, but with the confidence that her life still flourishes with opportunity and purpose. She has participated wholeheartedly with others who share the MS journey in the yearly MS walk in San Diego.

In recent years, Connie's adult son, Todd, her only child, suffered with mental illness. Todd took his life almost three years ago. Connie's grieving has compelled her along with her husband, Rex, to delve into a world most of us avoid. Rex volunteers with students who walk on the wild and dark side of life. Together, Rex and Connie comfort those who share their mourning and seek to educate all of us about what it's like to be so very close to a loved one who is plagued with mental illness.

She said to me today, "My life isn't what I thought it would be. It's not what I would have chosen, but it is good." The reason she can say this is because of God's love and His work in her life which gives her strength and courage to see beyond the difficult places. Each day she moves ahead in faith that God has a plan for her. A joyful contentment is a part of Connie's life along with the weariness. Joy prevails in her statement, doesn't it? Connie's serenity, perseverance and hope has left its mark on me.

Related websites:

www.nami.org
www.cahealthyminds.com
www.nationalmssociety.org
www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20061022/news_1mi22curran.html

Launching your kids to greater independence

2008-08-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

My friend, Suzanne, a 6th grade teacher, says many kids in today's culture haven't developed basic problem-solving skills. Now what could possibly be the reason for that? Could it be that Dad and Mom solve all the problems? The students, when faced with a dilemma in her classroom, rather than dialoguing with her...there they are...standing at her desk in a tizzy calling Dad or Mom to ask for help. As parents we are just a cell-phone call away. When our kids don't know what to do, they call us. If this becomes a habit, it's a recipe for life-long dependency.

Weak children can grow into weak adults who are unable to cope with problems of daily living. Granted, sometimes the situation does warrant a phone call, but the majority of the time, it doesn't. Irresponsibility, mistakes or even an unexpected complexity provide an opportunity for our children to figure out what to do with their quandary.

So what can we as parents do to encourage our kids to develop their reasoning skills and step out into greater independence by making decisions on their own? It means parents have to step back and resist the urge to always come to their aid. Don't tell me this is hard....I know it is!

I love the saying, "Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child." We do want our children to be prepared, not just to cope in the world, but thrive. Thriving means that we have to be able to weather the challenges as well as experience and recover from setbacks and failure. When things don't go right, is your child capable of thinking through their options, using their reasoning expertise and choosing their next course of action?

Developing problem solving skills is an important process for our kids. This doesn't happen if parents always step in to mediate or rescue. A better option is for parents to bring up a possible situation when talking with their children and ask them questions about what they would do if they were in that situation. Get your kids thinking. As parents we are then in a place to offer guidelines and encouragement that re-enforce the values we want to pass down. Role-playing is another good technique for practicing reasoning competence and decision-making. The more practice a child has the more equipped they will be at handling the inevitable unknowns that will come their way.

A very wise mother with grown children said to me, "I gave my kids a bit of a longer leash in some areas when they were still living at home. This allowed me to see how they handled difficult situations." And it gave the child the experience of working through their predicament. She did this so if they made a poor choice, she would still be there to walk through the aftereffects with them. She said she'd rather they experience consequences or disappointments early enough in their life so they would be prepared to deal with bigger crisis on their own once they arrived on a college campus. She knew that "rescuing" would leave them vulnerable to greater mistakes later on.

It's about time for another school year to begin and there will be opportunities this year for you to step back and let them try their wings in a storm. Just remember they are developing "muscles" for thriving down the road.

Photo: Marzanna Syncerz
www.123rf.com

Lifelong learning at the touch of a key

2008-07-31T10:20:00.001-07:00

Did you know you can take classes right in the comfort of your own home from schools such as Yale University or the USC Thornton School of Music? And many of them don't cost a dime. Welcome to iTunes U.

You can go into iTunes, enter the iTunes store and then iTunes U. You can now browse the great array of classes available to you through iTunes U. Classes cover just about anything you can imagine.

Have you always wanted to play the piano? You can take free video online piano lessons. Do you work in the field of youth counseling services? There is a lecture discussing the prevention of conduct problems in at-risk youth. Or how about a class on endangered sea turtles from the University of New England? Maybe you've heard about the best selling book, Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell and want to know more about it. There are audio book reviews available. Some of the classes offered are video classes. Others are audio.

My initial thought might be that I could download these onto my iPod and listen to a class whenever I want...in a car, on an airplane, or maybe while sitting in the jury duty assembly room. But I was also thinking about other possibilities.

What about people recovering from an illness or surgery who are confined at home? Daytime TV gets pretty mundane after awhile. And home schoolers can study astronomy, physics or biology via a high school science video class on their laptops. Do you want to study about Italian history before you take a trip to Florence? How about using the classes to brush up on a subject you'll be tested on for entry into a new job field? The possibilities are endless.

Enjoy....

P.S. Once you enter iTunes, make sure when you "search" you specify "iTunes U" under the "Results" dropdown menu. That way you won't get iTunes songs mixed into the classes that come up in your specific search.

Photo: Daniel Wiedemann/123rf.com

Simple Gifts

2008-07-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

One of my clients brought me a gift she bought recently when she was in a third world country. It's a small triangular carved wooden box representative of the handmade crafts of this Central American culture. One of the things that make this box special to me is what she said to me when I unwrapped it. Her words were, "this is triangular in shape, like the Trinity." She was referring to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Because of my Christian faith, the Trinity is a vital part of my belief system. So each time I look at the box it reminds me where my faith and hope rest in these uncertain times.

I loved the box for what it is...beautiful hand-rubbed wood, symbolic of her passion to live and work compassionately among people in a simpler society. But her words when she gave it to me make it even more significant in my life.

Words can be a gift as much as tangible objects can. They can lift, renew, give hope, express love, passion, grace....and the list goes on. Taking the time to use our words, either in written or spoken form, to enhance the lives of others may be a simple gift we give, but one which has eternal value. Our words have the power to transform a life or to tear it apart.

So my box is a precious gift, not just because it is beautiful to look at, but because of the words that came with it and how that affects me.

What words can you speak or write to encourage someone?

Giveaway Bride

2008-07-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

My wedding dress is on a great adventure. It's been sitting in a box for 30 something years, aging slowly and hasn't been functional since I wore it for a bridal fashion show about 20 years ago. And now it's just completed a journey to the country of Uganda. Did you know there is a wedding gown shortage in Africa?

I love to give things away. I guess at this age I realize that stuff isn't all that important to me anymore. I get more satisfaction and joy from giving something of mine to someone else who might need it.

Lifewater International is a non-profit organization that trains teams of volunteers who travel into third world countries. They partner with the nationals to help them set up sanitary water systems and teach them hygiene so they know how to handle the pure water without contaminating it. I got word that one of the teams going to Uganda wanted to take a few wedding dresses with them because many African women don't have the money or resources for beautiful dresses to wear on their wedding day. They can rent them for the exorbitant price of $100. It's a stretch to pay that amount for the use of a wedding dress for a day. So some women actually don't marry because they don't have a dress. I guess the dress is everything when it comes to the ceremony...almost as important as the groom!

I was thrilled to learn that my dress received a warm welcome and will be passed around to many different brides until it becomes like the velveteen rabbit...worn out from being loved so much.

I can't remember when I felt so much happiness about giving something away!

Photo: RED SUNSET
© Bogdan Lazar | Dreamstime.com

Drifting in Indecision

2008-07-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

I have a family friend who is well into her 80's and has macular degeneration. She is at a point where she's having a harder time living independently. Not only can she not see too well anymore, but she has a more difficult time just keeping up with life. Memory issues are starting to be much more noticeable. She has looked at some assisted living facilities and says she really likes them. In fact, sometimes she says, "You know, I'm going to live there." But she hasn't made the move yet. It's been probably 5-8 years now that she's been considering this decision.

Being that our family members love this lady dearly, we encourage her along the way and offer to help her with the move. But we just continue to hear her talking about the fact that someday she's going to move. That is a very true statement. Someday she is going to move. But will the move be of her choice or will the choice be made for her?

Often by postponing our decisions, we drift for awhile. That's fine as we need to give time to weighing the pros and cons. But making the "leap" can be difficult. Sometimes we have reservations or fears about moving ahead and we take time to process those.

We assume that by waiting to make a decision we remain in a neutral place. But is this really true? Eventually, don't we drift in one direction or another? If we put off telling a family member about a difficult situation because we are afraid they might not receive the news well, does that guarantee they will not learn about it? If we keep saying we need to exercise more as we get older but don't do it, are we any closer to maintaining good health than someone who has no intention of exercising? It's easy to get stuck in indecision.

By not taking action we can actually drift unknowingly toward some event which will eventually choose the outcome for us. Sometimes they are inconsequential matters. Other times they are life-changing occurrences.

What decision have you been thinking about making and what is preventing you from moving ahead?

A coach will help you figure out what you really want and assist you in determining what steps you can take to achieve the desired outcome.

Photo: BOAT AT SEA
© Lars Christensen | Dreamstime.com

Living in America

2008-07-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

The 4th of July is tomorrow. It's a day of refreshing celebration, food, family, friends and fireworks! My memories of the 4th go way back. I'm remembering various fireworks celebrations I've attended around the U.S.

One year Rich and I and our kids were on vacation and happened to be in a very tiny town in Montana. We went to the local fireworks which erupted into some flames so they stopped the celebration and the volunteer fire dept. put out the small brush fire. End of show!

We're here at our house in Cambria, California and enjoy walking down the hill to the fireworks show at the beach. The fireworks are shot off over the waves so chance of fire is pretty slim. This is good since half of California is on fire at the moment!

This year I'm thinking about Austin Overholt, a Marine, who came home safely from Iraq in the fall. In a little over a week we'll watch him declare his love for Megan, in a lovely outdoor wedding.

I've only seen pictures of Tim Klibbe. He's the son in law of a friend. Tim's wife is Regan and they have two little girls, Aria and Lily. He was injured in Iraq (he'll receive a Purple Heart) and is home after a 15 month deployment and doing well. While he was gone, Regan held things together on the home front as well as being the squad wife which meant she had some leader responsibilities with that position as well.

I'm thinking about Neil Bullock, a fire captain with the Bakersfield Fire Dept. who hasn't had a day off in awhile and is working hard on the California fire lines along with hundreds of other firefighters.

The reason I enjoy the 4th of July is because there are people out there who have gone the extra mile for America. This love of country and loyalty to the cause goes back a few centuries now. There is a noble purpose here and a call to bravery that gets passed down from generation to generation. It makes it possible for you and I to enjoy the simple things in life and on this day to remember all who have made it possible. Only in America......

Thank you Austin, Megan, Tim, Regan, Neil, and millions of others!

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

2008-06-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

Asking questions is the other key skill a coach uses.
The art of inquiry is about discovery. Not only does a coach learn more about their client when they listen to an answer, but the client learns more about who they are. They consider their answer and then articulate what they are thinking and feeling. Obviously, as a coach I'm looking for honest responses from my clients, so how I word my questions is really crucial.

When someone asks me a question it can generate various emotions. Depending on the question, I might feel like I'm being interrogated. A question like "Why did you do that?" may cause me to react with discomfort or defensiveness. Or I might be pleased to answer a question because it allows me to express an opinion or give a statement about how I feel. "What did you think of the movie?" generates that type of emotion.

Other questions may be pretty neutral. Being asked, "What time is it?" doesn't stir up much emotional response for me.

The way we word a question can make all the difference in the world. Our questions greatly determine the direction of the conversation. If someone says to me, "How did you go about making that decision?" or "What thought processes brought you to that decision?" I will no doubt have less anxiety and feel more free to give an answer without fear or embarrassment.

Coaches place great importance on developing their inquiry skills so they can learn as much as possible about their clients. And the client benefits too.

Check out my previous blog entry about the other key skill of a coach....listening.

Photo: PUZZLE IN HAND
© Anatoly Tiplyashin | Dreamstime.com

Thanks for Listening

2008-06-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

I just spent a couple hours listening to a friend. I wanted to gain a better understanding of something she's going through so I asked questions and listened to her responses. When I left the appointment I realized some of my assumptions had changed. I had a greater understanding of what she was experiencing and her thought processes.

Listening is hard work. I have to set aside uttering my thoughts and focus on what they are expressing. That means I hold off on responding to them immediately and just let them talk. When I went through my coach training, listening was one of the two basic skills (asking questions being the other one,) that we studied and practiced.

I realized fairly quickly in my conversations with friends and acquaintances, that there are few people who know how to listen without interjecting their thoughts or giving advice. Many of us are programmed to comment after someone says a few sentences. Every day I realize what a discipline it is for me to really listen to someone without throwing in my "take" on their situation. Breaking old patterns is a challenge.

In my coaching business I have to be careful not to give advice. To do so would be crossing the line into therapy. Instead I ask questions of clients which allow them to break down the issue into manageable pieces and to come to their own decision. Questions like "What would you like the end result to be?" or "Which of the options you've talked about are you most comfortable with?" help people move ahead when they are indecisive about something in their life.

If I have an observation I don't think they have considered, I should ask, "Would it be alright if I shared an observation with you?" People have always said "yes" (so far) when I submit that question. When I ask permission it shows I have a respect for their feelings and intellect and doesn't put me in a place of "talking down to them" as if I'm an expert on their life.

So I continue to hone my listening skills, both when coaching clients and with my friends and family.

Reflections on Tim

2008-06-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

I'm still thinking about Tim Russert and his impact in the world. God allowed him to be taken in the prime of his life. Sometimes I wonder about God's timing. Tim could have lived another 30 years but would we have heard the same message we're hearing now?

It was an election year so people were paying more attention to Tim's words. He had published two successful books in recent years, just watched his son graduate from college, enjoyed a few days in Rome with his family, and suddenly his life on earth is over. But the lasting fragrance of Tim's life is lingering in the hearts and minds of many of us. It's interesting that his media friends thought he was a great colleague. But what they are really talking about is how much they will miss their friend, Tim. They recall the little things he did for them that showed he cared...little stuff like visiting their sick family members, a hand on their shoulder, a good laugh, and the list goes on.

His wife said she had a fleeting thought when saying goodbye to him as he left Rome, that she needed to hug him one more time because she may not see him again. Thank you God, for giving her that nudge to just love him one more time. Interesting how God can prepare us for things and we don't even realize it at the time.

I want people to know I care in those little ways that add up to a lifetime of demonstrating my love for others. I want to make each moment one of expressing my faith. God, help me not to miss those little opportunities.

Photo:
LEAVE
© Alain | Dreamstime.com

Influence...leaving an impression

2008-06-13T23:48:00.000-07:00

"The older I get the smarter my father seems to get. Hardly a day goes by when I don't remember how much Big Russ taught me."*

Tim Russert (1950-2008) speaking about his father who he affectionately referred to as "Big Russ."

I was sitting in the Main Street Grill today in Cambria, California when across the large mounted TV screen came the message that NBC news journalist Tim Russert had died. It was sudden and so untimely. I'm not much of a TV network news person. I watch cable news shows most of the time. But I was always fascinated by his interviews. He asked really hard questions but managed to ask them with a smile and a respectfulness seldom present in other journalists. Even though I thought his questions often intensely searing, he always managed to seem warm and agreeable.

Tim had a high regard for the "Greatest Generation," especially his own father, Tim Russert, Sr. He wrote a book about his relationship with his Dad and the things he learned from him called "Big Russ and Me."

Tim Russert was in a position to influence many millions of people with his words and demeanor. We may not have a high profile job as Tim Russert did, but we do have an influence on many people during the course of our lives.

You and I have touched the lives of the old, (our grandparents,) from our birth on and in our later years we will touch the lives of the very young, (our grandchildren or great grandchildren.) I find that concept very fascinating. We impact the world we touch with our smiles, our words, and how we invest our time and our money.

On days like this I think about my impact in the world and what it could be.

*Russert, Tim, Big Russ and Me, Miramax, 2004

Transitions

2008-06-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

I'm still thinking about transitions and the ones people are in currently because of the gas prices. I know people who are re-thinking jobs and even careers based on the price of gasoline. Others may find themselves changing their spending habits. They may choose to eliminate or cut down on other expenditures such as their gourmet morning coffee drink, eating out, having their shirts cleaned and pressed by a dry cleaner, weekend getaways or giving to charities. My driving habits are being impacted. I don't drive anywhere for just one outing/event anymore. I make multiple stops and re-arrange my schedule to minimize driving.

We in Southern California are also talking about the water supply and the "R" word..."Rationing." Cutting back on our water usage probably should have been put into practice a few years ago. Those of us who live here are listening to our state officials talk about rationing being something we must take seriously now.

In other words, the transition needs to be immediate. This means we all have to change behaviors which isn't easy to do in a short frame of time. Transitions involve letting go of something and embracing some type of new beginning. Instead of looking at transition and change as though it were some type of doom, what would happen we if viewed it as the beginning of something good? It could not only be "good for us" but something we might, in reality, enjoy? We tend to view transition with a sense of loss because of having to let go, but could there be an upside waiting for us?

Photo: Ian Britton, FreeFoto.com

What NOT to say about your ex-boss

2008-06-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Scott McClelland burned his bridges big time last week when his book criticizing the Bush administration's handling of the war in Iraq was released.

At first the media pounced on the news from a former White House insider with great glee. However, now the burning embers are cooling quickly as people assess his underlying motivations for writing the book. While his willingness to give his opinions will most likely be used to fuel the growing anger with the current administration, how will history define Scott McClelland? What will the war critics do with Scott McClelland once they are done with his insider knowledge? That remains to be seen.

There are a number of ways to deal with a manager you don't agree with.
1. Arrange to communicate with your employer in an attempt to get them to see issues from a different perspective. Apparently, McClelland didn't go for this option as his book surprised everyone in the administration.

2. Assess your boss's personality and leadership style and look for ways to effect change in a manner which will engage them positively. Being a team player can earn you the right to speak up and wage your argument in a rational manner.

3. Resign your position accepting the fact that there is no way you can stay "on board" with the status quo.

If your attempts to encourage change in the workplace have failed, it can be a challenge to leave with grace. Giving an appropriate length of notice, cooperating with the training of your replacement, and exiting with a spirit of gratitude and good will are positive ways to leave a position with nobility.

It might be good to re-think criticizing your boss once you exit the door. You may need to call on them for a reference at some point although you can't anticipate ever doing so at this moment. And even though you may not envision it presently, you may want to use their services in the future. Who knows, your former employer may re-think matters and seek your expertise on some level in the future.

Wearing sour grapes is never becoming, nor is trading your integrity for the dollar sign.

Photo: PaulPaladin/123rf.com

Oh, the places you'll go!

2008-05-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago when my daughter graduated from college, my sister gave her the Dr. Seuss book, Oh, The Places You'll Go.

In typical Dr. Seuss style it talks about the adventure point of launching out on your own. There will be times of flying high and times where life becomes a challenge. But through it all there is the affirmation that you can live a life of success and significance.

Some friends of ours are in Bangkok, Thailand for the next 4-8 weeks to assist with the coordination of transporting relief supplies to Myanmar. Being empty nesters and in job transitions themselves, they decided to take on the challenge of living and working for a period of time in less than comfortable conditions knowing they are being of help to people in need. Transitions are never very easy. They always seem to take us out of something we've become used to (whether good or bad) and force us to grasp tightly to the learning curve set before us. This couple is referring to this as "an adventure outside their comfort zone." They are not afraid of wrestling with change and refuse to let fear trap them in a rut.

What places could you go if you are willing to step outside your comfort zone?

As Dr. Seuss would say....."Your mountain is waiting so get on your way."*

*Oh, The Places You'll Go." by Theodore Seuss Geisel, Random House, 1990.
Photo: Dace Pjanova/123rf.com

Adventures in the kitchen with a rapidly aging baby-boomer

2008-05-16T11:25:00.000-07:00

I had a "first" at breakfast this morning. I was at the stove tending my eggs, and after placing the finished work of art on a plate, I left the skillet and spatula on the stove and neglected to turn off the gas burner underneath the pan. I took my eggs and tea upstairs so I could enjoy breakfast in bed while I checked my e-mails. My daughter-in-law, Erin, (she and our son are staying with us in between "moves") found the outcome about 30 minutes later. I now have a pan with a spatula molded firmly in place creating a puddle of melted plastic in the center of the pan and the addition of another handle attached to the side of the pan.

My reaction to this incident? Well, I have many choices. Here are some of them:

Deny I did it
Blame it on something
Resolve never to take a sleeping pill again (I do, on occasion, and did so last night)
Fear the future
Trade making hot breakfasts for milk and cereal
Have a post-midlife crisis
Cook with a "buddy"
Eat only in the kitchen with the hope that I'd discover the problem sooner.
Set a timer when I turn on a burner so I'm reminded to turn it off when I'm done cooking
Go on a cruise
Have a pity party

I've already eliminated denial, the pity party and fear of the future.

My siblings and I are very familiar with Alzheimer's Disease. We buried Dad almost three years ago after his journey of several years living with this illness. We lament now and then about our spotty memories and how we're concerned we might be following in his footsteps.

My pastor, Tom Stephen, and his wife, Ginny, have written a book entitled, "Fearless." It's about different types of fear and how God is with us and speaks to us in the midst of our fears. He says: "People often stress out over a situation before they have an actual problem. Most of us have a tendency to cultivate fear by worrying about what could happen instead of confronting the actual problem. "* I know God is very active and present in my life so I don't have to be captive to fear. However, that doesn't excuse me from being smart about my choices and facing truth.

In the meantime, I'll be cooking eggs again soon....in a new skillet, of course.

*Fearless, by Tom Stephen & Ginny Starkey, Regal Books, Ventura, CA, 2006.

Photo: COFFEE BREAK
© Ed Isaacs | Dreamstime.com

Donuts and "The War of Art"

2008-04-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

Steven Pressfield's book, "The War of Art" is about the power of resistance.

Pressfield says, "Most of us have lived two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance."

Can you relate? You may have a book you've wanted to write, a painting you've wanted to put on canvas, a non-profit foundation you've wanted to create, etc. You've given considerable time to developing the idea in your mind, yet there is no action.

The author goes on to say, "If you believe in God (and I do) you must declare Resistance evil, for it prevents us from achieving the life God intended when He endowed each of us with our own unique genius."

"The professional keeps his eye on the doughnut and not on the hole. He reminds himself it's better to be in the arena, getting stomped by the bull, than to be up in the stands or out in the parking lot."*

Is it time for you to turn pro?

*Pressfield, Steven, The War of Art, Grand Central Publishing, New York, NY, 2002.
Illustration: Copyright: Cheryl Graham/istockphoto.com

Miss Rose

2008-04-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

I was a shy 2nd grader. It was one of those years every child has when they don't connect well with a particular teacher. Mrs. Bowman was big, scary, and past retirement age. She had a reputation for being what children refer to as "really mean." Even at the end of the school year, she was still calling me an assortment of girls' names which start with "S." Shelly, Shirley, whatever. She didn't know my name or didn't remember it. My self-esteem registered at zero. Mid-year a student teacher was assigned to our class.

Enter Miss Rose. When Miss Rose was there, Mrs. Bowman didn't yell and her demeanor changed. And Miss Rose, well, she was wonderful! When Miss Rose came into my life, I stood on a level playing field again with the rest of the world. She would look into my eyes, smile at me, and always had a positive word about my accomplishments.

One day it ended. Miss Rose was leaving, her student teaching duties complete. She also announced she was getting married, and soon an engagement notice appeared in the newspaper with her picture. I cut it out, put it in a drawer, and kept it until it was tattered. While walking home from school after giving her a goodbye hug on her last day, the tears came forcefully. How would I ever go on without Miss Rose? But I did....the grief passed, and the faded newspaper clipping disappeared with the passage of time. I still recall so vividly what a gift her kindness was to a young girl who felt quite insignificant.

Kindness has a remarkable effect on people. It's more than the opposite of "mean." It's an intentional act that can be life-changing.