The New Breakup

A new epidemic is on the rise..."getting locked out."

Estrangement has been around since the beginning of time.  And any good coach or therapist will tell you there are times when estrangement is necessary....with physically violent people, child molesters, addictive personalities, and substance abusers.  Changing this kind of behavior is difficult and people often resist change and refuse to get professional help.

However, parents who have not been addicts, abusive or engaged in harmful behavior are hearing the words "I don't want to see you or have contact anymore" without any real explanation. What's going on?  I'm not sure, but it's got to be one of the most tragic things one can experience.

I am walking this painful road with a dear friend who has been estranged by her adult child, their spouse and the two small grandchildren. The sad thing is there are options other than estrangement for the person who feels frustration with a parent. It's part of every life to realize you don't see eye to eye with your parents. When our firstborn enters the world, we all resolve not to "________" like our parents did. We are determined to be the most near-perfect parent possible.  At some point, we realize parenting is about the hardest job on earth. We do the best we can.

So why this wave of estrangement from seemingly good parents?  Here are some possibilities:

1) People who estrange may feel powerless and have a need for control.  

Adolescents who suffered from hurtful experiences, negative comments or bullying in their youth may be prone to choose estrangement in their adult years.  Dad, Mom or siblings may be the targets, but there may be other factors causing them to shoot the arrows. 

2) People who estrange may have never developed good communication skills in their peer or family relationships.

Unfortunately, the Media provides a plethora of drama and reactionary words. Often dialogue and actions are inflammatory rather than reasonable. When people are faced with a dilemma that calls for making behavioral choices, what they "saw" can make its way onto their list of options. And they can be influenced by people around them who try to control someone using estrangement tactics.

3)  People who estrange may be struggling with depression and mental illness.  

Mental illness can manifest itself in different ways.  That's why it's important to seek professional help and not let it go untreated. Mental illness doesn't make sense to the healthy person. But it is very real for the person who is suffering.

4)  People who estrange may dislike something a parent has said or done. 

Sometimes parents who change a behavior such as refusing to give a child money after a pattern of doing so, may experience estrangement as a "punishment" for not doing what their child wants. The estrangement may be an attempt to manipulate the parent. 

5)  A therapist may be recommending their client not have contact with the parent/sibling, etc.

A client hires a therapist to work with them and if the relationship with their parent is a point of contention, the therapist may feel a temporary distancing is necessary. "Temporary" is a relative term. Hopefully, a therapist will be able to see what is true as time goes by and be able to help their client toward healing and some type of reconciliation.

If you are someone who is dealing with estrangement, respect the person who is asking for it and let them have what they want. Responding in anger, pleading or begging will only create hostility and cause more damage. Pray, pray and pray some more. Ask God to show you how you can learn and grow through this difficult experience. Crisis can be like a flashlight shining on our blind spots. And new horizons can emerge that bring joy into our lives in spite of a painful estrangement.

If you've been "locked out," life is not over. Find a counselor, support group and people you trust who will listen and encourage you while you grieve. Believe it or not, there are still reasons for you to get up in the morning. Seek to engage with others and find activities that will be fulfilling even though you may not feel like participating. Eventually, what you feel you are forcing yourself to do, will become more natural and even enjoyable with the passage of time. The pain is still there, but you don't have to let it consume you. 

There are a growing number of websites devoted to supporting those who are faced with estrangement from family members or close friends. I realize I've written this more from the viewpoint of parents experiencing estrangement by their children.

Before you choose to estrange yourself from someone, remember it is worse than a death to the person being locked out. Rebuilding trust, if you ever choose to reconcile, will be a long and hard-fought task and will likely require the involvement of a third party professional to mediate the process. Estrangement leaves scars. It can be said of regret....."regret is insight that comes a day too late." (unknown)

To those who experience being locked out of their loved one's life...there are many other people who will value you and benefit from your love and devotion. Go find them.  Remain hopeful, forgiving, and prayerful, all the while pursuing the good and pure opportunities ahead of you.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11 (The Holy Bible, New International Version.)

Photo: www.dreamstime.com Gina Smith

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Home Where I Belong

Being that I'm newly transplanted in Northern California, I've been pondering what it means to feel "at home" somewhere. Where actually is "home?"

Is it based on where you were raised? Or could it be the length of time you've lived somewhere that determines where home is? Is "home" a feeling that develops over time? Or is it a sense of contentment not based on longevity or environment?

On my life journey I've lived in four different states, but most of my years have been in Southern California...forty plus, to be more exact.  The first thirteen years were spent in Michigan. And shorter periods were spent in Wyoming and Texas.

I think as one gets older, it's more challenging to actually feel at home somewhere. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. We loved Southern California. And after making a cross-country move with my family in the midst of the 8th grade, I was not anxious to move my children during their school years. We were blessed to be in one place until they were out of college and living on their own.

Friends in Southern California would ask us why we would consider moving voluntarily when we lived so close to long-time friends and family.  Good question. Here are a few of the things I've considered benefits of relocating:

1)  You have to adapt to a new environment. I try to look at this as a place of opportunity, not something forced on me.

2)  You enlarge your circle of friends and acquaintances. I have crossed paths with so many people through the moves we've made. Many of them have had significant influence in my life.  Most of them are people who've lived in multiple locations.  Where they are now is not where I originally met them.

3)  You see the world from different perspectives thereby increasing your understanding of people and viewpoints. It's easy to become narrowly focused in our worldviews. When we live in different places, we learn why other people think and act the way they do.

4)  You appreciate things you may have taken for granted. It's easy to overlook some of the blessings we live with every day. When you trade them for other realities, you begin to see them in a new light.

5)  You test your resiliency. How willing am I to learn to live with different circumstances? 

6)  You learn more about yourself. If you think you are not a judgmental person, try moving.

7)  You come to depend on God on a deeper level. Inevitable times of loneliness sweep over us, but He's ALWAYS there.  The need for intimacy and interaction with our Creator increases.

I've been reading about the life of Joseph in the Old Testament (Genesis 37-50,) a fascinating story of betrayal and tragedy wrapped in suspense. Joseph was forced, through the hateful deeds of his older brothers, from his homeland, never to return to it as a place to reside.

Through choices made for him, not by him, his home became Egypt. Joseph learned things about himself and accompanying lessons, at every turn. Things like:  Arrogance is a breeding ground for contempt. Our good and noble choices are not always recognized or rewarded by those around us. Waiting is hard, very hard. Sometimes when things seem to be falling apart, they are actually falling into place. But it can take decades to find out.

We spent a week in Southern California recently. Toward the end of our stay I felt a real attraction to return to our home here in Northern California despite enjoying my time with the familiarity of friends and family in our former community. I think that surprised me a little. I realized I do have a sense of "belonging" here.  It's nice to feel a joyful sense of purpose even though there are things I miss about other places I've called home. I think Joseph may have come to that conclusion too.

Photo:  happykanppy / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1948

Want to learn more about the introvert personality?

As a followup to my previous post on Introverts and holiday celebrations, here are some good resources:

The Introvert Advantage...How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney.
A great book packed with useful information if you want to understand the introvert personality better.

The Introvert's Guide to Success in Business and Leadership by Lisa Petrilli
A newly released e-book covering topics such as introvert marketing and networking, giving presentations and getting promoted.

An excellent article from Parents Magazine to encourage parents of introvert children. Lots of reassurance for worried parents and tips on how to affirm your child rather than striving to change them.

http://www.parents.com/kids/development/shy/raising-an-introvert/

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
This bestseller is for people who really want to develop their people skills.  Although written in 1936 it has some timeless concepts.  Covers topics like "How to become a good conversationalist" and "How to handle complainers."

Photo:  istockphoto.com/Scott Vickers

"Innies and outies"...how to navigate the season with introverts & extroverts

Decking the halls at your house yet?  Planning your December festivities?

It's good to consider that you most likely have two types of people in your life....extroverts and introverts.  If that is so, they probably have different ways they prefer celebrating special occasions.  

Extroverts love the glitz, socialization and excitement of activity.  Did you know introverts enjoy all that too, but on a smaller scale?  While an extrovert may love a full calendar of places to go and things to do, an introvert likes periods of "down time" in between so they can reflect and refresh their energy level for the next event. 

Before you give in to the things you always do this time of year, why not ask each member of the family what they would like to do to celebrate?  It's always good to tell them you are open to new suggestions and that just because "we always do that" doesn't mean we have to do it every year.  You might be surprised by the responses.

Ask each member of the family what 3 things they would like to do as part of celebrating Christmas this year.  This allows everyone to have input.

What things do family members enjoy doing together with just your family? What activities do they enjoy as part of a larger group or community?

"Giving" outlives "getting" when it comes to contentment.  Is giving to someone in need a part of your family celebration? 

What activities energize them?  What drains them?

Create an environment where every member of the family is heard.  Then put together activities that honor each family member's style of celebrating with some time in between for a "breather."  It's a good life exercise for all of us to consider each other.

I'm going to be on the radio this weekend!

Listen in on Saturday, December 3rd, 10AM PST to KGNW.com.  Or if you are in Seattle, KGNW 820 AM. I'm the featured guest on "Coffee with the Coaches."  Hosts Suzanne, Laurie and I will be talking about meaningful celebration and how to make sure to include introverts in the action.  I'll be doing a give-away so you'll need to listen in and find out how to enter.  You can even call into the show to ask a question.

Hope you'll be listening in on Saturday morning!

Photo:  istockphoto.com/Nathan Jones

"Thank you" is more than a polite expression.

The blessings we recount usually revolve around the people in our lives and the basic necessities such as water, food and shelter.  I don't know about you, but I'm always surprised that in a world of so much "stuff" our true gratefulness seems to be focused on the daily blessings we often take for granted.  We see this concept in news interviews with families who survive natural disasters.  They talk about losing everything material, but being thankful their loved ones are still with them.

I've been wondering if gratefulness changes us.  When people survive a catastrophic event, I think it marks them in some way.  Some people are resilient and recover.  Others may be resentful.  I've never experienced a natural disaster or catastrophic event, but I still long for survivor-like gratefulness to change me from the inside out.

There was a woman in the Bible named Hannah who had gone through years of infertility.  In her culture infertility meant she was the object of ridicule and rejection.  After many years of asking God for a child, she finally gave birth to a boy she named Samuel, meaning, "God has heard."

Hannah's gratefulness was so overwhelming she decided to give him back to God for a life of service.  So after Samuel's young boyhood years, probably at about 12 years of age, she took him to the temple to be cared for and mentored by the priest, Eli, for a life of service to God.  Since the temple was a part of daily Jewish life, no doubt Hannah continued to spend significant time with her son.  And she gave birth to five more children so she had a busy life as a mother.  But Hannah was one grateful woman!  She didn't just say 'thank you." She expressed it through her actions.  Her thanksgiving was lived out very intentionally.

While I'm not advocating parting with your first-born child,  I do know that I want my thankfulness...my appreciation, to be reflected in how I demonstratively love God, my family, friends, and the strangers in need around me.  As we pause to be grateful this month, may the reflections on our blessings be life-changing for all of us.

Going over and above....

With our immediate family spread from one end of the State to the other, we're looking for a central place to meet this year for Christmas.  We went online to the VRBO (vacation rental by owner) website to see what is available in a coastal area not far from San Jose.

Being former vacation rental homeowners ourselves, we've come to realize through our own experience renting vacation homes and listening to the appreciative comments of others, how much it means to people who book a house for a getaway to enter a home stocked with the necessities. People want to open cabinet doors and find things like salt & pepper, garlic powder, sugar, flour, cooking oil and  extra toilet paper.  Who wants to drive to town to buy a 5 lb. sack of flour when you only need one cup!

So I was a bit taken back when one reviewer of a property suggested future renters bring extra toilet paper with them...it was a glowing review, by the way.  The reviewer said "remember this is a rental and not a full-time residence so they don't stock extras." Bring extra toilet paper when you are paying $300 a night?

What do you think?  Yeah, no big deal for us to pack an extra roll of toilet paper.  But it's the little things that make a difference and this is one of those situations where going over and above the norm makes a positive impression.

In the past couple years we've been the blessed recipients of people demonstrating going over and above. I'm thinking of real estate agents who didn't just put a sign in our yard, but worked their tail off to help us prep our house for listing in a slow market or the clerk in a lighting store who gave us a $40 item for free because we'd special ordered some other things from the business. And I can't fail to mention those who've gone out of their way to make us feel welcome and loved as new residents in our town.

Whether it's a business or a personal relationship, it's so easy for all of us to slip into the mediocre mode of comparisons and feel that something or someone doesn't warrant more. Or that worse yet, our generosity may not be somehow equally matched in the future.  What if we tweaked it the other way and actually gave more than is deserved?

To do much better than is necessary or expected....a great way to live!

Image:  istockphoto.com

A "not what I signed up for" day

Yes, today is one of those days for me. We all have them.  Days like this put a major kink in the chain of expectations we've set for our lives.

13 1/2 months ago I became a grandmother....not in the usual way, however.  Instead of having a newborn placed in my arms, two little munchkins, 18 months and almost 4, came into my life by way of foster care.  Our son and his wife were drawn to foster/adopt and even though they have no children of their own yet, they chose this route first.  I admit Rich and I were a bit skeptical.  "You said you'd take two???"

Those kids grew on us pretty fast.  By the end of our first weekend with them, we'd fallen in love.  They were adoptable (what our kids specified when they applied to be foster parents) and just waiting for two sets of adoring grandparents and a flock of excited aunts, uncles and cousins. 

Our plans went awry about six months ago. The children are being returned to their birth parent this next week.  Today is our day to say goodbye.

This definitely was not on my calendar six months ago.  We're all going through the wide range of emotions associated with losing those we thought would be ours "for keeps."  We invested fully in them without reservation which is why these last few months have been painful at times.  Some days we wondered if we should hold back a little, but that was never really an option.  We were fully committed.

We've seen changes in their personalities, their countenance and how they relate to others.  A childlike lightheartedness has replaced the blank stares that questioned our character and motives. 

As I continued to unpack from our recent move, I read a journal entry from July 2004 where I wrote in detail 5 main goals for my life.  One of them included my thoughts about grandparenting.  I said, "I do not want to merely remember their birthdays and see them on special occasions.  I want to really know them and love them well."  I have done that.

While I will never understand the brevity of this journey, I am thrilled to have been a part of it, tears and all.  I've received more than I thought was ever possible.  I am more prayerful, quite scared, slightly hopeful, often mystified and frequently "ticked" at authorities with whom I may not agree. 

No, I did not sign up for this day...nor did my son and his wife, nor these children.  Yet, we are all better off having had these 13 1/2 months together.  Why can't they continue?  I don't know the answer to that one.  The writer of Ecclesiastes says it well...

"Take a good look at God's work. 

Who could simplify and reduce Creation's curves and angles to a plain straight line?  

On a good day, enjoy yourself.  On a bad day, examine your conscience. 

God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won't take anything for granted."

                                                                   (Ecclesiastes 7: 13-14 from The Message)

Photo:  Jim Jurica www.istockphoto.com