Life Outside the Bubble

No doubt many of you saw the recent movie, “The Blind Side,” a true story of one family’s courage and generosity in reaching out to a young man in great need. I don't know about you, but this film generated a great deal of emotion and contemplation in me as I left the theater.

You may be one of many in the Western world who, like me, live in a sort of bubble. Except through the media or the occasional citing of a homeless person as I'm walking or driving, I'm not readily exposed to the impoverished and disenfranchised lifestyle of the majority of the world.

Most of us have times when we enter into that difficult world through a donation, or a day of volunteerism. However, I'm always thinking about what we can do with our physical resources, intellectual skills and our desires to make life better for those around us. This story is about someone who spends a few hours each week outside the bubble.

Ben is a retired professional in the Midwest. He shared with me his experiences over the past 18 years serving as an advocate with a national organization called CASA. Volunteers with CASA are court appointed special advocates for children. They are individuals in over 1,000 local chapters across the U.S, who make a difference in the lives of abused and neglected children.

Ben, outfitted with several books, picks up the children in his current assignment, 3 siblings, from their foster homes and heads for McDonalds where he engages in general conversation and reads to them ("Froggie Goes To School" is currently the favorite.) Ben doesn’t probe too deeply with questions, but rather tries to make the outing one of relaxed play while trying to create a safe atmosphere conducive to openness if the opportunity presents itself for a child to share their feelings.

The other dynamic of this work is for Ben to dialogue regularly with the others involved in the case: the deputy juvenile officer, teachers, and the foster parent or residential treatment facility supervisor they live with, etc. He takes his personal observations and those of the other professionals and writes reports of his findings and his recommendations for the court prior to the hearings regularly conducted for each minor.

Although judges tend to listen with great interest to Ben’s findings, they don’t always heed his suggestions, especially when it comes to custody matters. Advocates will sometimes see the judge order the child returned to a biological parent against the wishes of the advocate.

The Advocates most successful in their work are those who are able to balance their feelings of hope and loyalty for the children with the ability to avoid being overly attached or invested emotionally in the outcome. Their investment of time is significant....weekly visits with the child as well as followup with others and the writing of the reports. This averages out to about 12-15 hours per month. CASA provides thorough screening and over thirty hours of training for their volunteers.

Currently serving on his 4th case, Ben feels he is adding value to someone’s life, but he doesn’t always get to see the results of his efforts. His first case lasted 10 years and he isn't sure where the young man is now or what has become of his life. But Ben knows his work has an impact of some merit in the life of the children he is assigned to, and is appreciated by the other professionals and the judicial system.

Why does he do it? He has a burden for disadvantaged children lost in the system and wants to do what he can to help them. Thank you, Ben, for your example to all of us and for reaching outside your comfort zone to others in need.

"Whatever time you have to devote to a child, it’s more than that child has ever had. You don’t need any special skills. It’s all about caring and common sense.
"~ Sue and Steve Forestadt,
 CASA Volunteers

More information about the valuable work of CASA can be found at: www.casaforchildren.org

My new website designed especially for “forty-somethings and over” will be ready soon and I'll announce it in an upcoming post.

Photo: Jozsef Szasz-Fabian/Shutterstock.com

Reflections from the Neutral Zone

We've been in our new town (having moved to California's central coast) for ten months now. It's been long enough I can now have some perspective about the changes I've experienced over the past months.

Being that this is a much smaller community than I've ever lived in, there have been some adjustments. I've realized that when you leave a place that's been familiar for 34 years, you don't assimilate to your new "digs" overnight. I felt like a fish out of water for quite awhile.

Most of the population of my new community is well over 65. We have to drive about 40 minutes to get to movie theaters or Home Depot. Dress is very casual. If you dress up, people stare. I know this because at times I still like to don a nice outfit with jewelry, etc. I now live amongst farmers, vintners, retirees, old hippies, song writers, surfers and coastal environmentalists. And the place to connect with people is the Post Office. The hustle and bustle of Southern California is gone and has been replaced by people who don't wear watches, ever.

William Bridges, in his book, *Transitions, Making Sense of Life's Changes, talks about the "Neutral Zone"...a place between what "used to be" and supposedly arriving at your destination of being fully acclimated. I'm definitely in the Neutral Zone.

Bridges says we tend to look at transition like crossing the street. We leave one curb and make our way across the pavement with the goal of reaching the other curb as quickly as possible. Stopping in the middle and sitting down in the road is not acceptable. This viewpoint of leaving one place and arriving at another in a short amount of time really doesn't exist. The Neutral Zone is a non-negotiable passage in the land of transition.

In real life, transitions have an "in between" place where things seem to stop. We feel alone and empty. Nothing around us seems familiar and we long to get to the other side. Bridges refers to two traps that people fall into when they want "out" of the Neutral Zone...fast forward and reverse.

There is no way to advance through transition like the energizer bunny. And to turn around and go back....we can't do that either. You see, transition alters and transforms us. We are not the same people who began this journey days, weeks, months, or years earlier. We've had experiences along the way that have tweaked us and caused us to change.

To avoid the traps, "do keep moving," Bridges says. If we continue to seek our way, to discover, to take small steps, we will get to the other side.

There are now days I forget to put on a watch. I am adjusting to planning a day of errands in the next town, and I'm starting to run into people I know at the Post Office. I think I'm officially "tweaked."

*Transitions, Making Sense of Life's Changes, William Bridges, Da Capo Press, 2004.

Photo: Carlos Caetano | Dreamstime.com

Chasing Happiness

"The meaning of earthly existence lies not, as we have grown used to thinking, in prospering, but in the development of the soul." Alexander Solzhenitsyn

In their book, "The Lost Virtue of Happiness," * J.P. Moreland and Klaus Issler distinguish between the classical understanding of the term, "happiness" versus the contemporary meaning of the word. There is a huge difference. People like Moses, Jesus, Aristotle and Plato held to the concept that happiness comes from living a life of virtue and character, a life that demonstrates what Christians refer to as the "Fruit of the Spirit"...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith and self-control.

Over the course of the past century, the cultural understanding of happiness has evolved into one of pleasurable feelings gained from exterior circumstances. While there isn't anything wrong with this type of happiness, if it's all that happiness is for us, we are only happy for a short while. The pleasure of attending a World Series game, basking in the sunshine on a vacation, achieving a promotion at work or purchasing a new car may bring us satisfaction or exhilaration. But what about next month, next year or even tomorrow? Is it realistic to believe that we can feel happiness on that level every day?

Moreland and Issler observe that "if character and deep well-being is our goal, we will learn to see ourselves in light of a larger cause: the outworking of God's plan in history. We will be preoccupied with finding our role in that cause and playing it well."** It is beneficial if the day to day structure of our lives contains some measure of giving ourselves away to a belief and ideal greater than our own inward desires. This isn't something that comes naturally to us. We have to choose it.

Scholar John Gardner says, "Existence is a strange bargain. Life owes us little, we owe it everything. The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a purpose."

Does your life contain a measure of outward focus to a mission greater than yourself? If it does, you have tasted happiness...the kind that lingers for longer than a brief season.

*Moreland, J.P, Issler, Klaus, The Lost Virtue of Happiness, NavPress, 2006.
**Moreland, Issler, The Lost Virtue of Happiness, NavPress, 2006, pg 31.

Photo: Paul Paladin www.123rf.com

Building Inspiration

One of my favorite childhood pleasures was to be on my hands and knees in the sand creating something. It was more fun working with a friend. I think it started with cookie cutters, plastic shovels and buckets in the little sandbox in my backyard. From the sandbox we moved to the seashore. Sometimes each of us modeled something on our own and other times we began creating collectively. But inevitably we ended up joining forces to build an extraordinary structure with towers, tunnels and trails, all the while secretly wishing it were possible for us to shrink in scale to the size of our creation.

If you've observed people building sand sculptures at the beach, you've seen teamwork in action.

The World Sand Sculptures Academy conducts training to show groups of people how to work together to sculpt some magnificent pieces of art.

Team members learn to value one another's capabilities and qualities and to implement them. The synergy of collective success creates an enjoyable and productive working environment.

Michael Hyatt, CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing, has identified 5 ways to energize your team.

1. Assume others are smart and working hard.
2. Listen intently and ask thoughtful questions.
3. Acknowledge the sacrifices others have made on your behalf.
4. Express gratitude for their effort and their results.
5. Remind them why their work is so important and the difference they are making.

Whether people are building a sandcastle, interacting in a marriage or working on a project in a job environment, these 5 concepts foster healthy progress. There is a goal and an interactive acknowledgment that things move ahead productively when people give as much as they receive.

Read Michael Hyatt's article on energizing your team at http://michaelhyatt.com/2009/08/five-ways-to-energize-your-team.html

More information about the World Sandsculpting Academy http://www.wssa.info/?gclid=CLmijsma3pwCFQ7xDAodjWayJw

Photo: Lars Christenen, www.123rf.com

Birds, twigs and twigspiration

Did you know 73% of people say they were never taught anything about goal setting in their youth? This explains my avoidance of goals, I guess. The word makes me cringe a little. It just isn't something that comes naturally to me. Maybe that's because I wasn't taught much about goal setting or had accountability around me that prompted me to complete goals.

I have set goals and actually crossed the finish line though. One of the big ones that comes to mind is finishing my Bachelor's Degree. I went back to school after my kids went to college and completed my Organizational Leadership degree. But it's more the daily things that seem to fall by the wayside for me. I'd like to be able to set more goals for a short period of time, like a day, and get to sunset and say "Wow, I completed this today."

One of the new goals I've set is to get in better shape physically by way of fitness. I used to be an avid walker, walking almost 4 miles a day, 5-6 days a week. But that was twenty years ago. I keep thinking it was "yesterday" and that getting back into a routine won't be that hard. Actually, the reality of that has hit me recently and I've realized it's going to be a bit like starting over.

I have to make adjustments now because, after all, I am twenty years older. My body needs a recovery day here and there throughout the week depending on the intensity of my exercise. Adjustment is necessary when working toward a goal. My parents and my mother in law needed to be moved into extended care homes while I was finishing my college degree. This necessitated me taking a 2 month break in my classes to allow me to focus on helping my husband and siblings with packing and moving them to a new location. Life happens and goal adjustments are necessary much of the time.

My inspiration is the memory of watching a bird building a nest in the birdhouse in our backyard. I found it fascinating watching a little bird fly up to the 1 1/2 inch hole in our birdhouse with a 3-4 inch twig in its beak and observe all the contortions necessary to get the twig into the hole. It would try all different angles, hopping around, turning its head up, down, twisting to one side or the other, until....finally, after multiple attempts, one end of the twig went into the opening of the house and the bird could maneuver the rest of it inside. Mission accomplished! This process would often take quite awhile. When the bird finally succeeded in getting the twig inside, I felt like cheering for their little victory.

In thinking about all the labor involved for the bird to accomplish just this one feat, I realized the ultimate goal, the big picture, was to complete the nest so there would be a place to hatch and nurture the offspring. But to finally realize the goal, my little feathered friend would have to go out everyday and not only look for twigs and get them into the nest, but find its own nourishment, avoid predators and look after its own welfare. Some days were better than others, I'm sure.

So it is for me with my fitness goals. In order to be able to walk/run a 10K at some point, I have to get outside regularly a few times each week and push myself to move. I need to increase my pace or intensity at regular intervals so I remain challenged and motivated to continue to my goal of getting more physically fit. I will have obstacles...apathy, inclement weather, a busy day, etc. These are all things that will attempt to divert my motivation. But I need to remember the big picture. It will be the little daily victories that get me there. One day at a time...just like the twig gatherer. Then one day I can cheer when I cross the finish line.

Photo: Ingrid Perlstrom - dreamstime.com

Why you can appreciate change, good or bad.

"If you are finished changing, you are finished."
Benjamin Franklin

When I look at photos I took many years ago of various trips and activities I participated in, not only do I note the physical changes in myself after decades, but I also think about the other changes. What was I like at age 25? How did I perceive life at that time when my experiences and observations were much more limited than they are now? I realize how much change takes place in all of us with each passing year.

I find it encouraging that my worldview has changed and has greater insight than it did many years ago. As a younger person my worldview was defined but lacked understanding and wisdom which only years of life experience can bring. I now know why I believe something. I don't ever want to stop learning because I still have so much to grasp. My life is full of foibles and flaws. And I don't ever want to stop changing. I don't want to be the same person today as I was yesterday. Thank God for sunsets and sunrises! We can leave behind the mistakes and foolishness utterances of yesterday, make the needed amends and move on. We don't have to repeat it.

I was thinking about the concepts of Al-Anon, the organization that provides support to people who live with someone controlled by alcohol or drugs. The goal of the organization is to promote change in the sober family members, not the one who is the substance abuser. Often the Al-Anon member, coming from a place of despair, finds hope, freedom, and a new way of life even though their loved one continues to "use." The hope is that the change one experiences when they learn to let go and live without worry, suspicion and anger, will have an effect on the person struggling with addiction and it often does. The thing that causes someone the most pain can actually be the catalyst for something good.

When someone realizes only the addict can, with God's help, choose sobriety, it releases the loved one from the burden of feeling they have to protect or change the addict. This is a whole new world for someone who has spent much of their life worrying about "what if" or feeling they are caught in the chaos of the addicted person's world.

If you know someone who has a friend or family member who struggles with addiction, let them know about Al-Anon and encourage them to check out a meeting in their area.

"When we long for life without...difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in a contrary wind and diamonds are made under pressure."
-from a prayer by Peter Marshall

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org

Photo: Sheryl Bullock
http://www.sherylbullock.com

Happy days are here again!

A sunny Saturday afternoon in Nashville...a lovely Nordic bride and a gallant man say "I do." This is no ordinary wedding day. For two people who come out of sadness to find each other, this day is glorious.

My husband and I were privileged to be among the witnesses to this joyous event in May. We are just getting to know the bride, Solveig. We've known her new husband, Jim, for over 30 years. He and his first wife, Janice, were long time friends of ours. We sadly said our goodbyes to Janice over two years ago when Multiple Myeloma cut her life short. Solveig, leaving behind the upheaval and abandonment she experienced and willing to hope and trust again, said "yes" to Jim's proposal of marriage and recently moved her three children to Nashville. Jim's two grown sons live in Boston.

This couple, now all smiles on their new journey, go into the adventure of blending a family. Jim, after a few years in a quiet abode in the woods, will have the vigor of children under his roof again. These three children will come to know his love for them as he adores their mother and keeps them laughing with his prankishness. Jim still knows how to be a kid. He can shoot a rubber band with great accuracy.

Solveig seeks, not to replace Janice in the lives of her sons, but to complement her. I sense she will do that quite well. These young men will once again be blessed by the nurturing maternal love of a woman as they continue on in their adult seasons. Her sweet strength and compassion will quickly win their hearts.

Witnessing this joyous occasion influenced me for the better. I share in their happiness as we do when we watch a couple join together in this most sacred of unions. I also found myself considering the way a marriage can become lost in the frantic fray of life. After 38 years of marriage it is easy for Rich and I to drift aimlessly in our own self-absorbed currents unaware of the growing distance between us. It is easy to lose the newness and anticipation of being together so often felt in the beginning of a relationship. I am reminded by Solveig, Jim and others who've walked the road of loss, not to forget the gift of a mate, to enter into each day thanking God for the privilege of sharing life with someone who said to me, "I will" and meant it.

"Now this is the sum of the matter: if ye will be happy in marriage, confide, love, and be patient; be faithful, firm and holy." Martin F. Tupper

www.solveigleithaug.com

Photo: Nicole Carpenter
nicolesmac@mac.com